I have so much to be thankful for this year, and I plan on a “thankful” post soon. Today however, my heart is set on helping someone who is in great need. Jessie and Jose are two of the many new friends I have made this year. I am so blessed to know them…but, they are struggling. I have asked and received so much from all of you during my struggles this year…and I am eternally grateful. I am asking now that we help Jose to get the surgery he so desperately needs. One person can’t do much, but as you have shown me, many people doing just a little makes a huge difference. Please look into your hearts this season and let’s be the miracle for this dear friend. Donate and share this link…you won’t be sorry…because when you help others…YOU are so blessed. Love, hugs, and Peace..Kim
My life these days is better than I ever could have imagined, and I am happier than I have been in years.
However, I am discovering that the “end” of being homeless doesn’t come with just having a place to sleep. There is still the struggle to pay for basic expenses, the push to find work, and the lasting emotional pain of loss.
There are days when I am so extremely exhausted that all I can do is sleep. My therapist has assured me that all of this is to be expected after so much trauma. What I wasn’t expecting at all was what happened two nights ago.
Having lost all of my precious books during my “homeless adventure”, I have slowly begun to rebuild my collection. This past week I found a book titled, The Girl’s Guide to Homelessness by Brianna Karp. I brought it home and started reading…
About two hours into this straightforward, witty, and heart-felt account of her homeless journey…I realized that my heart was pounding, my hands shaking and I had tears welling up and spilling down my cheeks. I put the book down, stood up…looked around and reassured myself…”You are safe now, it’s not happening now. You are not in the scary motel, you are not hungry, you are not in danger, you are not walking your dogs down the long row of kennels…you are not there!” I was completely “in” the pain of it all. Hmm…My therapist had warned me there might be signs of PTSD after being in survival mode for so long, and from so much loss, and I knew this…I have had some pretty vivid nightmares, but never had I felt anything like this while fully awake. It all felt so real!
It was rough to put it mildly. I wish to God I could say that I am completely healed, that I am joyful every minute of every day now, but that’s now how it is, and I won’t lie…this healing may take a while. I may not be “living” it now, but there are parts of my mind and body that for one reason or another cause me to relive it..and I will face this the same way as I have everything else, with God’s hand and grace…and time.
I am so sorry for my neglect here lately. I am definitely NOT going to do well writing for the November challenges.
My new life has been moving forward slowly and steadily, and I am beyond happy. The apartment is coming along nicely, with furniture donations and little touches of my own, it is beginning to look like a home. I still wake every day like it is Christmas morning and I am a four year old child, so excited to be here. Safe, warm, and fed is just amazing. I continue to look for work, but it will come.
My dog Casey was finally adopted from the Humane Society a couple of weekends ago, and I am so happy for her. Though I am heartbroken for myself, missing her terribly, but so blessed to know that she has a real home again too. I don’t have to lie down every night picturing her in that kennel..I pray she is sleeping at the foot of someone’s bed now.
It is difficult at times to believe how much my life has changed and to face how much I have lost. I have yet to fully “look” at it all. Most of you that know me, know that I like to remain as positive as possible, but eventually I will have to expose myself to some of the hurt in order to move past it…just not now. If I were to truly write about it, it would hurt too much. I’ve hurt enough in my life.
Honestly though…if I were to write what I am feeling at this moment, it would just be the word “grateful” over and over again on this page. Funny how writing about the misery is sometimes easier than writing of happiness. Misery is complex and joy in simple, less words are needed. I spend my days listening to fun, happy music…I dance around my apartment, visit with my new friends, sing karaoke on Monday nights with more new friends…I eat and sleep and just LIVE. It is so incredible after so much time merely surviving. This is heaven.
There is a time to be happy, to be content, to just enjoy what the good Lord has blessed us with…and that time is always “now”. I love you all so much, and hopefully I will be here more often. Please keep me in prayer about finding work, and well, about everything! God is so good! Hugs!
P.S. I almost forgot! I passed my one year anniversary on here…wow! I just noticed I have 473 followers…when did that happen? I am still a bit surprised that my little life is of interest to anyone, but truly blessed by knowing. Thanks everyone!
I am so grateful for where I am in my life now. However, it’s only been three months since I lost the life I’d known for so long. The marriage had to end, this I know. Neither of us had been happy for so long. There wasn’t much left to grieve there…except for what might have been.
It’s the days and moments when my mind remembers an object I forgot in my haste before the eviction…the books, the trinkets, the Christmas ornament I made when I was 8 years old that make it difficult. There isn’t very much pain in these thoughts, they are just things, and…I am healing.
The one area I can’t seem to get past is the loss of my dogs…Yes, Cody was rescued from the shelter and is now with my ex…not my ideal situation, but at least I know he is loved and cared for by someone he knows.
I try desperately not to think of my dear Casey girl, but there isn’t a day when I don’t grieve, when I don’t pass her photo on Facebook or here, and my chest gets tight, the tears well up…and oh my gosh, the pain is horrible. I am glad that she is no longer in danger of being put down, and that the Humane Society is a better facility than the county shelter…but…I want her HERE with me! I want her to be held, and pet, and played with. I want to feel her lick my face. I dream often of walking the aisle of the shelter, calling her name and hearing her sweet bark of joy to know that “mommy” has come back to get her. I can’t describe the pain…and God knows I have tried to NOT look at her photos, NOT go to the Humane Society page once more to see if she’s been adopted, but it’s like a bad bruise, this pain. You know it will hurt, you know it will crush you, but you push on it anyway. This heartache….it has not gotten any easier…it is not any lighter. She deserves to have a home…just like I do now. How long will I grieve this loss? How long will it take for me to finally give up hope of ever having her with me again? I don’t know. It feels like it will never stop.
I pray she is at least happy…well fed…and maybe, if dogs think this way…I pray she hasn’t given up hope either. Shit. And the tears fall.
You would think that after having this blog for almost a year now… I would know better than to sit and wait for inspiration before putting fingers to keyboard. I have thought of writing many times these past weeks, and yet somehow I managed to discourage myself with the typical, “What should I write about” conundrum.
So, here I am on a Saturday afternoon, sitting in front of this keyboard, and still having no idea what to write. I had hoped that just by placing my fingers and sitting with my tea I would somehow come up with something. Hmmm…so far, it’s not working.
I am still enthralled with my new home, my new life…I have taken many steps toward learning how to be single again. The last years of my marriage had been so isolating that it has been like rediscovering life…friends, social occasions…I even went out and sang karaoke, something I haven’t done in a long time! I had forgotten how much I love that feeling of release I get when I get behind the microphone and let it loose!
I am still looking for work, and the lack of funds has been hard, but so much better than “before the big fall”. I still have moments of grieving over all I have lost, the tears come…but, I try not to go there. Everything is getting better every day, and I always look for those precious moments…moments of gratitude, moments of bliss. I always find them if I just look.
The photos are of my new place…the tables I got for a total of $20…I was given a bed by a local organization, and tomorrow I am getting a sofa that someone donated, so furniture is coming slowly but surely. I photographed the french doors and balcony, because so far they are my favorite things about this place…I threw in one of the bathroom, and of my bedroom closets. I will take a few more as soon as the rooms are not so empty..Who wants to see an empty apartment? LOL…Love and peace to all of you….Hugs.
Hello all! My desire to write, to let the millions of words and emotions tumble out onto the page is a bit overwhelming. There is so much to tell!
I am safe, happy and content. Wow, just saying that still surprises me. The past months have been beyond hard, and now, well, this is amazing. Starting over. I have had moments of grief over losing so much, but I remain in the present moment more often. There is no room for unhappiness or regret.
My new home is the most peaceful, beautiful place I could have imagined. I have wonderful neighbors, who are quickly becoming friends. This little apartment is so pretty, though still mostly empty lol. I am sleeping on an air mattress, and the only other furniture is a table and chair left by the previous tenant…oh, and a dresser given to me. It is enough.
I wake every day astonished and grateful…I walk around this place and keeping praising God for bringing me HOME.
The job search continues. I did land a job, but only lasted one day…the work being much too physically strenuous for me. No worries, the “right” job is just around the corner. I finally got my food stamps, so hunger is no longer an issue either.
I wish my thoughts were not so jumbled at the moment!
Anyway…I was sitting on the steps of my balcony a while ago, appreciating the deep blue of the sky, the warm breeze…and watching the “train” of butterflies that come through each day. It’s funny how they know where the “highway” is…they come through the same “path” each day, somehow knowing exactly where to go. I envy them this. I can learn from them…moving on instinct, not worrying about a thing..just moving forward. This is me.
I just recently got my camera and all my personal belongings back, and soon, I will post photos of the new place…of my new life.
Again, I must take the time to thank all of you for your amazing support, love and friendship as I went through this trial. I love you.
So much has happened since my post just three days ago.
I mentioned having seen my therapist last week. Well, I had already applied for what is called, Shelter Plus Care, through the place where I go for therapy. The program provides housing and support for people in treatment for many issues, including mental health. After visiting my therapist, she went and spoke with the housing case worker…and yesterday I got a call saying that they had a place for me! Most folks wait years on these lists for housing, so I know it was my therapist and God Himself who made this happen.
Sadly, I can’t take my dog, Cody with me, so I am now desperately trying to find a place for him. I refuse to take him back to the shelter…I know that God will help me with this also.
But, back to the happy stuff! I was told to come in at 9am this morning to fill out the paperwork for housing, thinking that it would be a few days, maybe longer, before I could move in…guess what? I got done with the paperwork, and the lady says, “Hold on while I make a copy of your key”!! I was handed a KEY to my new apartment! Are you kidding me? She placed that little gold (yes, gold) key in the palm of my hand, and I just lost it. The joy and disbelief that this struggle was finally over stunned me and the tears flowed and flowed.
I left there and drove right over to the complex. I pulled into the drive, and parked in front of MY building, walked up the stairs and a tear slipped out as I put the key into MY door…and walked into MY apartment…Ohmygosh…there really isn’t any way to describe the feelings that flowed through me as I walked in…looking at the kitchen, the bedroom, the little balcony and repeating, “No way…is this really MY home Lord”? My face hurts from smiling.
I still have the little “bump” to get over with the dog…and will need some help with money for car insurance, gas and food, until I find work, but the rest is covered. I AM GOING HOME.
Here comes the sun do do do do…here come the sun I say, it’s alright…..