I Am Still Here…

Hey Ya’ll! Yes, I am still here. These past few weeks have been a battle, both physical and emotional.

Today I awoke feeling more like my old self, though a bit fatigued. I won’t dwell on all the negative here…there is enough of that going around…just know that I have missed all of you and have been reading, if not commenting. On we go!!!

Good Morning

 

 

Grateful, Fed, Medicated and Updated!

I am so beyond grateful today. Now don’t get me wrong I have tried to keep an attitude of gratitude though all of this, but today rocks!

We finally got food stamps! WOOOT! I am so happy it is hard to describe. It’s not that we were starving, but one more baloney sandwich would have put me over the edge. It was so much fun to go to the store today and not have to decide what I would leave behind. I got milk and eggs and meat..oh my!  We will be feasting in the Hood household tonight. Thank you Lord!

I went for my therapy appointment yesterday, and as you can probably surmise, it was a bit rough. I had my first appointment with the therapist and it was a teary one for sure, and the crying jag carried over to my appointment with the med doctor who suggested upping my Paxil. I didn’t argue with him. I’m hoping it will help with some of the anxiety attacks I have dealt with lately.

I am trying so hard to stay in the moment, in THIS day, not worrying about tomorrow. I am a bit concerned with the dogs having fleas and no real course of action…Dawn baths coming this week, laundry and vacuuming. It is the best I can do for them for now. Please pray about this with me. These dogs mean so much to me, and I want them comfortable and well. Thanks!

I am off to read for a bit before starting some baked chicken and rice for dinner. I can’t wait to smell it! I’m sure hubby will appreciate the aroma when he comes in from work. Yeah…it’s all good.

*Update* I forgot about the biscuits I bought…Oh my goodness..I do believe that heaven smells like fresh baked biscuits. My cup runneth over.

My kitchen curtains, just because.

My kitchen curtains, just because.

 

 

What Do You Write, When You Don’t Dare Speak?

What do you write when all that you are thinking are words you don’t want to speak out loud? How do you voice the time spent deciding between paying the bills and buying food? Or how the new spot you found on your chest looks exactly like the last time…when you had skin cancer. You know you won’t go to the doctor..You waited more than a year the last time anyway, right?

You don’t call anyone to chat because all that your thoughts contain is not something you want to share. Misery does not always love company. You watch PBS. You see those who truly have nothing, as you sit on your bed, inside a home, not a tent or worse. You find your blessings in watching the extreme poverty that makes you seem wealthy in comparison. You find the tiniest of things to be grateful for…and YOU are grateful.

Don’t stop long enough to remember that you are a month behind on rent, that so far the landlord has not said anything, Don’t stop playing endless games of solitaire on the computer, mindless hours, so the thoughts don’t come in and bother you once again. Keep smiling, even when it hurts. So many have it so much worse. Does their misery make you feel better in comparing?? Sometimes.

I mean, you don’t want anyone to know that you might be feeling sorry for yourself. It would not be cool. They would think you selfish. Focus on others. Find a way to reach out to someone in a more dire situation. Don’t think about the spot on your chest. You are find. It is all okay. Stay in the moment. Pray. Believe. Trust.

Where did your appetite go? You know you should be hungry by now, but the thought of eating makes you feel ill. You will force yourself to try later….later. Oh, how you long to lay down for another nap, another escape. You are tired all the time. Muscles ache from disuse. You know it’s not good…You should get up and function…but you don’t.

It will all work out. Nothing is really wrong. Right?

Porch Sittin’, Friend Huggin’, Flowers Bloomin’ Day…

So the debate between crawling back in bed and getting out of the house was won as I put my shoes on and got in my car. I had a couple of items to pick up at the new Dollar General right down the street and as I came toward home I drove on past. I stopped to bring hubby a soda at the house he is working on, and proceeded to drive to my friend Sheila’s house. I’m so glad I did. I knew a little porch sittin’ and one or two of her lovely hugs were just what I needed. We chatted, hugged, laughed and looked at all the lovely flowering bushes in her yard. It was so nice to just be out of the house. I’ve found it tough to make myself  just get out sometimes, not wanting to waste gas etc., but she lives so close. I need to do this more often.

I came home and sat out on my steps reading and playing “my stick” with the dogs. Fresh air, sunshine, fresh perspective. It’s all good. My faith in God’s plan is always with me, even when I wish He would let me in on it.

Sunlight

Sunlight

Spring weather, Lack of posts, Lack of inspiration…

I feel horribly neglectful with my blog lately. I am in a funk of my own making.

The weather is absolutely beautiful, sunny, breezy and in the 70s. I should be inspired, but I’m not. I guess being in survival mode constantly is so wearing on a soul. I am trying to meditate, smile, keep busy. Being unable to buy phone minutes this week, I have been somewhat isolated. I want to take a drive to the island, but have to save what gas there is in the car. Blah…that is what I think of this post, and I how I feel in general.

Sitting here thinking…Write something uplifting! Inspire someone else…Hmm. Sorry, I’m just not “there”. Love and hugs to all of you. I will come up with something worth reading…soon, I hope!

Pier at Sunset

Pier at Sunset

Prayers Answered, Peace, and a Touch of Cold Weather…

I am truly blessed and thankful to all of you who have kept us in prayer, sent healing light and good thoughts. Today was an awesome day, many prayers answered. I thank my sweet Father in heaven for loving me so much and watching over me. These past few weeks have been tough to say the least. You would think I would have learned to trust more by now…Hmm, maybe that’s why He keeps giving me these tests. I will pass the test when I am able to remain peaceful through the storm…easier said than done, but I’m learning.

Here’s a quick update: The roofing company that Hubby was working for basically just blew him off. We figured they just used him to do all of their paperwork and computer set-up, get their payroll going smoothly, and were finished with him. That’s cool.

I woke this morning quite freaked out knowing he had no work prospects. He ran to the corner store for me, came back home and went right out the door again, not saying a word. I thought nothing of it until he didn’t return. I looked out and noticed the car gone. Hmm

About an hour later he comes in the house with paint smeared on his forearm…he got a job! He had run into the landlord while at the store and told him about the busted job, and basically begged the guy to put him to work and HE DID! I was so relieved when he told me…my body tension had been so much that it suddenly felt like a puppet whose strings had been cut. I could breathe!

It won’t be much money of course, but working for the landlord gives me some peace..I mean, I don’t think I need to worry about him booting us out right? Yaaaay!

Hubby also had a really good job prospect with ATT…He has an appointment for a test at the end of April. I am so excited about this, please add this to your prayer list..thanks. This would give him a solid career, not just a job…such a blessing for us.

I spent most of the day just putting around the house. I have been so anxiety ridden that there is much to catch up on here, but I’m enjoying just breathing right now…the rest will get done. It is supposed to be getting really chilly by morning, and I am more grateful than ever to be sitting here in our humble and warm home. It’s all good. I really appreciate ya’ll so much…Love, Hugs, and Peace!

Beauty

Beauty

 

Hunger, Sleep, Trust

The days run one into another, each the same. My belly growls, not so much from not eating as it is from eating just enough…enough to make the money last, save the last bit of food. People get so uncomfortable with money talk, but when you are wondering how to make it last one more week, it fills your mind. Funny, I hate math. I have never been really good with numbers, but I have to do math constantly now.

I sleep well at night lately, with the help of some over-the-counter sleep med, but I am still just tired to my very core. This is not a good way to live. I spend my days telling myself it will be okay, trust God, He has this. I try not to worry, just keep trusting, believing. It IS okay…for today, forget about tomorrow.

I tell myself to get out of the house, go to the beach, take my camera…forget for a while, change the channel. But, then I have to remind myself not to use the gas in the car, so I stay here. I need to get in the shower, but it feels like a monumental effort…”I will today”, I say again. Run through the bible verses in my head, those on trust, belief, money, love, comfort. They help.

I don’t talk much to others…no one wants to hear about your troubles, especially financial ones. I have nothing else to talk about. Poverty makes you lonely…isolates you. Those who are unable to help feel even worse after talking to you, and those who would be able to help think you are begging if you speak to them, so you speak to no one. You don’t want people to apologize.

There are so many thoughts, so many things you want to say, but don’t. You don’t want people to know how you really feel, the thoughts that might offend or make people pity you. Just go on…watch another movie, let it take you to a life you wish you had. Make believe. Keep praying, keep trusting. Stop worrying how to make $70 last until next Saturday. Tuck the bills away, don’t look at them. Hubby leaves on Tues. You need to give him some money to take with him…he has to eat too right? Blah…

Constantly reminding myself of those worse off than I am, those who have nothing to eat, NO money, and no hope. I am better off, but comparison is little comfort. Bless me Lord so that I may be a blessing.

“Remember Something that Made You Feel Good”…

My therapy appointment last week was tough to say the least. I sat in the chair shaking and trying to spill my guts about all the fear I was feeling…Was I going to be homeless, lose my dogs, starve? I had no idea.

My therapist finally said to me, “I want you to remember a time when you felt good and tell me about it.” I didn’t have to think for long..I said, “Living at my grandparents house, between the ages of 10 and 12, was the best time of my life. The only truly carefree days I have ever known.”

I began the story with the night we finally broke free from my father.

My brother’s used to wait by their bedroom window and yell down the stairs to Mom, letting her know that Dad was home and telling her to get on the couch, pretend she was asleep. Maybe he wouldn’t beat her. It didn’t work that night. My sister and I crawled into the bottom bunk together, holding pillows over our heads so we wouldn’t hear. We heard. I don’t know what came over me, but at some point I found myself peeking through the small opening between the stairs and top floor, just in time to see my father raise his fist. I watched as my mother went airborne and landed on the other side of the room. I don’t remember going downstairs. I must have been crazy. The next thing I recall is standing between my parents, Mom on the floor behind me, Dad standing in front of me looking so imposing and threatening in his uniform. As Mom would tell it to me years later, I stood all of 3 feet tall, hands on my hips, my little knees shaking, yelled at my father to just go to bed! I don’t remember much more of that night. My brother woke my sister and I later on and said, “Come on…we’re going to Grammy and Papa’s house.”

Sweetest words I ever heard. I loved it at their house. I remembered waking up in the bedroom with the slanted ceiling, the scent of summer coming in the windows,the breeze lifting the white curtains with the little puff balls on them. The smell of those sheets was like a warm hug, not a scent you get from dryer sheets, but from bleach, bluing and fresh air. Reaching my hand up behind me and running my fingers around the curly cues of the white wrought iron. I was safe. I was HOME.

The sound of glass milk bottles rattling as the milk man made his delivery.

Going downstairs in the morning, Grammy at the kitchen table, the sunlight falling across the linoleum floor, warming my feet. I’d get my bowl of cereal and stand by the door, the smell of warming wood and metal screens. It was an old screen door with glass panes for winter, screens for summer, and a spring at the top that made it slam shut when we let it go, a sound that still soothes me to this day.

I couldn’t recall my mother being around much then. She was either in and out of psychiatric facilities or…I don’t know, but it didn’t matter. I only know I was happy. I had a chance, for a while, to just be a kid.

Playing, playing, playing. That was my world. The old pump organ in the garage, climbing over boxes to get to it so I could sit and pump the petals, making nothing even close to music, but it was fun. Making leaf “houses” with my sister, which were basically just an outline in leaves..We would make rooms and doors and spend hours with our dolls and dishes playing house. We used our imaginations back then…remember? Skating on the “pond” which was really just a swamp. My brothers and a neighbor placing a barrel in the water during the summer so that they could jump it on skates in the winter, and watching as the neighbor kid jumped it and went through the ice on the other side. That kid just disappeared, and we laughed so hard.

Sledding down the hill at the cemetery out onto the frozen pond. My little brother was buried at the top of that hill. The time my best friend A. and I took the small dinghy out on the “pond” during a dry summer and getting stuck in the muck, having to be rescued by her older brother.

Behind A’s house was a large tree that had a rope swing and a tree house that the boys had built. I loved that swing, though the wooden slats that were nailed on as “steps” were a bit scary. One time, A. our other friend L. and I were out there swinging. It was my turn. I climbed the steps carefully, slid myself across the branch, A. swung the rope until I caught it. I place my foot in the loop at the bottom of the rope, scooted to the edge of the branch, and launched. I left the branch and stopped short about a foot or two, in midair….my underpants had gotten caught on a nail that was sticking out of the branch! I hung there screaming, wondering how long I could hold onto the rope as A. and L. stood 14 feet below me, laughing their butts off. Finally, L. scurried up the tree, slid across and somehow managed to pull me back to the branch. I pulled myself together and launched again…Oh, what a feeling it was! That first few seconds of falling until the rope snapped taut and I sailed through the air…laughing.

What a world it was. I really need to put together a readable story here. It was such a blessed time in my life, so many things to recall. Maybe I will…

A quick update on our situation. Hubby is finally going to do a roofing job on Tuesday. We still don’t have rent, but I’m hoping the landlord will give us time. The other bills have all come in, but will just have to wait. I am trying each day to just breathe, just BE. It will all be okay…somehow. Please keep us in prayer. Hugs

Grammy Wood