Homeless Day 21…Tough Decision…

I have battled with myself all day today, wondering what my next move should be. I have enough money to pay for one more week in the motel, but that will leave barely any money for food, phone minutes etc. The other option is to leave here in the morning, hold on to the cash, but have no place to sleep. I have chosen the latter.

To try and explain the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion would be impossible. If I could just feel safe and stable for a few weeks, I’m sure I would sleep and sleep, and sleep. It’s not like I have been dealing with “life unsure” for just this past three weeks, it has been years. Years of wondering if we would make it another month, would there be rent, food, electricity, dog food? Most of the past few years I have been in constant survival mode, it is the most wearing of all states to be…never feeling “safe”, never being able to relax. I search for words to describe this kind of tired, but there are none.

I wish I could give in to the exhaustion, just pay another week, and sleep the whole time. I know if I did that, I would wake up next Tuesday, having to leave here anyway, but with no cash. So, I must do what I feared the most. I must pack up my meager belongings tonight, and just do it. Pack up my car in the morning, take what reserves I have…and leave. I only wish I knew where I was going. I thought of going to a campground, but again…a waste of money. I need to hold on the what I have. I have to buy phone minutes and I have to eat, and of course, now, I have to make sure there is gas in the car.

I will need to find the best/safest places to park at night, a place where the cops won’t hassle me, and I won’t be seen by those who might take advantage. It will be a learning curve I’m sure. I haven’t checked the local weather, but knowing the area, I can guarantee that “HOT’ is the forecast. I can go to the mall, the library and other public places during the day, but honestly, I am so tired, even the thought of keeping moving all day long is daunting, but I will have to.

Well my dear friends…thanks again for all of your support, both emotional and financial. You gave me some time to rest and regroup with your generous donations. I wish I could tell you all that in three weeks I managed to put myself into a better situation, but alas, I have only managed to delay the inevitable. Pray for me…Kim

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Homeless Day 16…A Love Letter to My Dogs…

Though I know you will never see this, I must find a way to release all I feel in my heart for you…my sweet dogs.

I don’t know why my feelings of loss and pain for you both come on so strongly at night, maybe it’s because my mind is so focused on trying to survive during the day…though, a moment of the day does not pass without you both in it. I wish there was a way to tell you, to make you understand all that has happened to you. I also wish will all of my heart, that I could have found a way to keep you both with me forever…as I promised you when I brought you home. Mommy’s heart hurts with missing you!

My little Cody…You were so tiny the day we brought you home from the backyard breeders.  It was Christmas Eve. You were covered with fleas. They looked so big on your little body. You gave us so many smiles on the ride home and every day since then. Even your stubbornness is something I will always admire. That last day we had together you were such a sweet boy, kissing Mama’s tears away.

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Casey Anne…When I saw you that day in the kennel of the adoption van, I had no doubt that you would come and join our family. You were shaking and timid. I don’t blame you, you had such a rough start in life. I still can’t understand how anyone could have treated you that way. I hope that I taught you that there is love in the world, and that not all humans are bad. I showed you that you can trust, and that you can have food and hugs….always.

Day One in her new home!

Day One in her new home!

You and Cody became the best of friends on that first day, even though he was a bit pushy.

Cody's new friend Casey!

Cody’s new friend Casey!

You are both such amazing babies, and I can only pray every day that we can be together again. But, you see…I don’t have a home right now, not even for me. I know that God knows my heart, and how much I want to come and get you from that cage in the shelter. Every night I dream of them opening that door, and seeing you both run to me and climb on me as we all cry with joy…oh, how I wish I could hold you both right now…I want you here with me, knowing how much I love you and how much I wish that this had not happened to us all. Life isn’t always fair my dear pups, and I hope I gave you enough love while we had time. Be good puppies okay? If I can’t come to get you, I want you to be loved and cared for by some really good family. Casey…show them how you cover your ears when they say you are cute…and Cody, show them how well you sit, and put your blankie in the kennel…Sit nice and no bity…okay guys?

Mommy loves you so much…I hope somehow you know this, and don’t be sad okay? I’m sad enough for all of us. Be happy dogs…someday soon you will go home, you will be outside again, running free, playing and chasing squirrels. I pray it will be with me, but if it is not…just be happy. I love you so much.

"I love them"

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I AM SO SORRY!

I will love you forever.

Homeless Day 14, 4am Loneliness…

Two weeks today since my life as I knew it just disappeared. On one hand it feels like yesterday, but then the physical and mental exhaustion makes it seem like I’ve been “surviving” for a month.

My worst break-downs so far have been when thinking of my poor dogs. You see, I have a human understanding of what is going on, and as bad as the reality is, I know what happened, but when I allow my mind to wander to Cody and Casey, my heart literally aches for them. All they know is that one day they were home and the next they were in a scary, loud, strange place, and that I just left them there. Sigh…I can’t even write about it…I just can’t.

I am sitting here in the motel at almost 4am, and feeling more alone than ever before. Even in the worst parts of my marriage, when he and I sat in different rooms, I knew there was someone there, even the dogs gave me comfort…now, it is just me.

My kids have not called in the two weeks since this happened, and I guess I’m not as surprised as I am hurt. I know I wasn’t a good mother to them, even though I thought I was, but it hurts to think that my well-being doesn’t matter to them. I feel the same about my two brothers and my sister, yes, I have talked to two of them, but I still have no place of refuge, no place of safety to start to rebuild my life. It is just me…alone. I even got desperate enough to call hubby’s phone yesterday, to ask him a computer question…he has blocked me from his phone. Since he left two weeks ago, he has not tried to contact me even once…He doesn’t even know if I am well or safe.

I have to just come to realize that I am on my own, again…still. I have been taking care of myself since I was 10 years old, I guess I should be used to it by now, but there is a part of me, that little girl, that still longs for someone to care for her, to TAKE care of her, to keep her safe.

Right now…I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone to hold me. I saw my friends S & F the other day…the only true friends I have here, and when S gave me a hug I just lost it…I sobbed on her shoulder for a good 5 minutes, the first time I let my “wall” down. I had to put it back up, I have to stay strong. On my own. No hubby, no kids, no family, no dogs…I must take God’s hand and KNOW the He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I am so beyond grateful for all that have helped me…financially, spiritually, and with kind words of caring these past 14 days. I wish there were more words to describe “grateful”.  I have raised my fundraising amount, not out of greed, but just for the fact that I have not found a job. I go tomorrow to turn in my housing application and to apply for food stamps, and will spend the rest of the day trying to put in job applications. The internet here stinks…I was halfway through a job assessment yesterday when it went down. I may have to go the library to complete most of them. Just another challenge.

I wish at this point that I could end this post on an upbeat, “I’m going to make it” note, but alas, I’m not right there at the moment. I keep repeating my mantra…”I’ll be okay”. It is very sad and shocking to realize that after 53 years on this Earth…I belong nowhere.

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I need to stop scrolling through my photographs…I never realized how may photos I took of my two pups…My heart actually hurts.

 

I’m Homeless, and It’s Not My Fault…Day 6

This week has been such a blur of thoughts, emotions and fear. It is surreal to know that the life I had just a week ago has disappeared. The dogs, the husband, the home…all gone. I am alone.

Everything is different. I feel free on the one hand…my marriage having died years ago, but to think he would leave me this way is hard to swallow. The dogs being gone is one of the hardest parts..I try not to think about them, it just hurts so much. I have to be content to know that they are safe and cared for…I can’t even say that about myself.

Now, before I say this next part…a bit of a disclaimer…I KNOW that there are people who truly care about what I am facing, and care about how I am doing, but to be honest…it feels like I matter to no one. I am here with my thoughts and fears, alone. Day in and day out, I wonder what I am going to do, where will I go when I no longer have the rent for this room? What if I don’t get a job in time? How long will the food last…Those who one would normally turn to at a time like this, family and friends seem to be the ones who keep the most distance. Why? I can understand that they don’t know what to say, don’t know what to do to help me. I don’t even know the answers, but I didn’t do this to myself. I’m not a drunk or a druggie, I am not lazy. It’s like I have the plague. I have become one of those people you see on the sidewalk, begging for money, and you avert your eyes. It’s too uncomfortable to see, to even think that YOU might be that person if all went to hell tomorrow. I spent 15 years taking care of house, hubby, dogs, bills, and all of that…and had my entire life pulled out from under me, like a rug.

I feel like an outcast. I have had to put anything resembling pride aside, and ask total strangers, friends and family to donate money to help me survive. When it gets this bad, you have to do things that you never thought you would or could. There is no room for pride when you are homeless, when the fear of the unknown is all that you have left.

There is room for prayer, for trusting God to show me the way, to hope that I will find the rent, the food, the gas..the job. But, as I sit here alone today, in this little motel room..I will be content, I will be hopeful. I have to be.

If  you are able to help, the donation link is on my page, just re-posting the link on social media would be a tremendous blessing also!

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Fourth Day of Homeless…

The past few days have gone by in a blur…He left, I took the dogs to the shelter, and here I am. I have a motel room for two weeks and then…well, who knows. I am hoping to find work. I try not to worry, try not to think about my poor pups. Sleep has been a priority. I’ve never been so tired in my whole life. For now I am safe, have a roof and food. I miss my family today. Most folks think of family more at Christmas or other holidays, but the fourth always makes me think of my brothers and my sister…recalling the wonderful times when we all gathered together to celebrate the fourth of July. I’m going to try and get downtown tonight to watch the fireworks. I love this town on the fourth…so many friendly folks just having fun, eating watermelon, and then watching the fireworks over the waterfront. I need to get out of this room. Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am still trying to raise funds to get on my feet. If you are able to donate or share the link to the donation site, it will be much appreciated. The link is on my page..thanks.

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Husband on Bus, Dogs in the Shelter…Now What?

Later today I will drive the husband to the bus station, then I have to bring both of my dogs to the local shelter, and then, I am on my own.

I am going to try to keep it together, because if I break I may not recover. I must stay tough. I am devastated to be losing my sweet pups, and not so devastated to be losing the “other half”. It will be good to be free of something that has been dead for so long. I just wish I had a job, or a place to live.

I was going to go home to Massachusetts. My brother offered to send me some travel money in two weeks when he got his SS check. However, he called me two days ago…he had a stroke! I am so worried about him, but I can’t be there. I’m glad his kids are up there with him. So…change of plans.

I’ve decided to try to stay in Georgia. I have a little money, and am going to head to Savannah. They have more resources for the homeless up there, and more job opportunities. I’m hoping to make this money stretch for at least two weeks, but even that seems like such a short time. I know God will provide, but I’m scared too.

I guess that’s it for now! Please keep me in prayer…

Homeless, Scared, and Trying to Fund Home…

The title says it all…well, all I can say for now I guess. I’m scared. Am being evicted as of this coming Wed. Hubby is going his way, and I am going mine. I have a temporary place to stay, but it is not an ideal situation. My brother wants me to come back to Mass. He has stage 4 prostate cancer, and is on disability. He wants to pay for me to come home when he gets his next check, but I don’t want him to have to do that, so I am trying to raise donations to get me home. If I can’t raise enough to get home yet, the funds will help me to stay off of the street, and buy me some time. I know it is a lot to ask, and please, if you can’t help I understand. I want no one to feel badly. If you can’t help personally, it would help if you could repost the link for me on social media.  I am truly blessed by you all caring so much for me. Now, I guess you know why I have been so absent lately. Life is tough, but so am I. I will make it with God’s help. Hugs, love and peace.

http://www.gofundme.com/58zqnw

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Flea Killing Shampoo!

As you know from previous posts, I have been fighting to get rid of fleas on my dogs. The chemically loaded spot on treatments, which I hate using, were not working at all, so I began a hunt for more natural methods.

I began with adding small amounts of garlic to their food, and feeding them brewer’s yeast tablets, both designed to make the dogs smell badly to the fleas. I also steeped a bunch of lemons and put in a spray bottle with water and used this on them too. I’m not sure how well these were working, the internal items taking time to get into the dog’s system, so today I made a shampoo for them.

I took a bottle of Johnson’s Baby shampoo, poured half into a plastic cup and added 6 or 7 drops of pure cedar wood oil. I then filled the tub with part of this and shampooed them with it. Starting at their necks, so the fleas can’t run onto their faces, I then soaped them up good and let it remain on them for at least 5 minutes, avoiding their eyes of course.

I am so pleased! The fleas were dying and dropping off of my dogs! I couldn’t tell as well when bathing Cody, as his fur is black and thick, but with Casey we could see them trying to get off of her and dying on contact! This is so much better than using all those nasty chemicals. Please be sure if you try this that you dilute the Cedar Wood Essential oil..and that it is PURE essential oil, not the stuff you use for scenting your home. I am so relieved to have found this. You can also put a couple of drops onto your dog’s collar or a bandana and let it dry, put back on your dog. The scent does something to the pheromone receptors of the fleas and they won’t bite!

I am one happy dog Mom today!

Waiting for "Daddy"

Waiting for “Daddy”

 

Please Help a Stranger and Her Dogs…

I found this cry for help on my facebook. She is a woman who has rescued dogs and now may lose them by becoming homeless. I don’t know her personally, but does that matter? She is a human with a heart and needs some help. Even if you are unable to donate, please share her plight! Thanks

(The photo is of my two rescues, Cody and Casey)

http://www.gofundme.com/helpmekeepmydogs

"I love them"