I have battled with myself all day today, wondering what my next move should be. I have enough money to pay for one more week in the motel, but that will leave barely any money for food, phone minutes etc. The other option is to leave here in the morning, hold on to the cash, but have no place to sleep. I have chosen the latter.
To try and explain the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion would be impossible. If I could just feel safe and stable for a few weeks, I’m sure I would sleep and sleep, and sleep. It’s not like I have been dealing with “life unsure” for just this past three weeks, it has been years. Years of wondering if we would make it another month, would there be rent, food, electricity, dog food? Most of the past few years I have been in constant survival mode, it is the most wearing of all states to be…never feeling “safe”, never being able to relax. I search for words to describe this kind of tired, but there are none.
I wish I could give in to the exhaustion, just pay another week, and sleep the whole time. I know if I did that, I would wake up next Tuesday, having to leave here anyway, but with no cash. So, I must do what I feared the most. I must pack up my meager belongings tonight, and just do it. Pack up my car in the morning, take what reserves I have…and leave. I only wish I knew where I was going. I thought of going to a campground, but again…a waste of money. I need to hold on the what I have. I have to buy phone minutes and I have to eat, and of course, now, I have to make sure there is gas in the car.
I will need to find the best/safest places to park at night, a place where the cops won’t hassle me, and I won’t be seen by those who might take advantage. It will be a learning curve I’m sure. I haven’t checked the local weather, but knowing the area, I can guarantee that “HOT’ is the forecast. I can go to the mall, the library and other public places during the day, but honestly, I am so tired, even the thought of keeping moving all day long is daunting, but I will have to.
Well my dear friends…thanks again for all of your support, both emotional and financial. You gave me some time to rest and regroup with your generous donations. I wish I could tell you all that in three weeks I managed to put myself into a better situation, but alas, I have only managed to delay the inevitable. Pray for me…Kim