My reader won’t load, my page won’t load right. I have done all I know to do. I can’t click my comments tab down, the reader is blank….this stinks. Did they change something? This is horrible. If I can’t real answers here, please email me if you know what is going on. sigh
So much has happened since my post just three days ago.
I mentioned having seen my therapist last week. Well, I had already applied for what is called, Shelter Plus Care, through the place where I go for therapy. The program provides housing and support for people in treatment for many issues, including mental health. After visiting my therapist, she went and spoke with the housing case worker…and yesterday I got a call saying that they had a place for me! Most folks wait years on these lists for housing, so I know it was my therapist and God Himself who made this happen.
Sadly, I can’t take my dog, Cody with me, so I am now desperately trying to find a place for him. I refuse to take him back to the shelter…I know that God will help me with this also.
But, back to the happy stuff! I was told to come in at 9am this morning to fill out the paperwork for housing, thinking that it would be a few days, maybe longer, before I could move in…guess what? I got done with the paperwork, and the lady says, “Hold on while I make a copy of your key”!! I was handed a KEY to my new apartment! Are you kidding me? She placed that little gold (yes, gold) key in the palm of my hand, and I just lost it. The joy and disbelief that this struggle was finally over stunned me and the tears flowed and flowed.
I left there and drove right over to the complex. I pulled into the drive, and parked in front of MY building, walked up the stairs and a tear slipped out as I put the key into MY door…and walked into MY apartment…Ohmygosh…there really isn’t any way to describe the feelings that flowed through me as I walked in…looking at the kitchen, the bedroom, the little balcony and repeating, “No way…is this really MY home Lord”? My face hurts from smiling.
I still have the little “bump” to get over with the dog…and will need some help with money for car insurance, gas and food, until I find work, but the rest is covered. I AM GOING HOME.
Here comes the sun do do do do…here come the sun I say, it’s alright…..
I woke in this motel room this morning, looked out at the cloudy, hot day, and fought to not crawl back under the covers.
The weariness of just surviving is something that no one who has not been here can ever truly understand. As much as I try to stay energized and positive, it has become a struggle like everything else.
Did I even mention that I got my dog Cody back with me? When I thought that I had a place to stay last week, I went and got him from the shelter to go with me. The reunion was emotional to say the least…I was crying, the shelter director was crying, and Cody…well, he was jumping and peeing all over the place. It was awesome. I feel somewhat badly now that he is in this situation with me, but it has really helped me to not be so alone. He is a gift.
I wanted this post to be so organized so well written, when in all reality I’m afraid it will be just how my mind is…muddled and all over the place.
I went for a much needed therapy session a few days ago, and boy, did I break. I have spent so many days just holding myself up, trying to be strong, functioning…but, the safety and acceptance of that therapy room allowed what I had most feared…letting it all go.
I told it all…How it feels to take a couple of dollars into the store, and try not to look at other’s purchases with envy. What it feels like to go up to a sample table in the store and try not to drool as you place a small piece of ham and cheese into your mouth. You smile, make eye contact, you don’t want anyone to know how hungry you are…how scared. You look at all these “normal” people going about their everyday lives and they have no idea…that you are homeless. You try to hide it as much as you can…and yet, there is a part of you that wants to scream it out loud…”I’m homeless! I’m hungry!”…but, you just smile, nod your head, wish them a nice day. You begin to feel like two people…the one you show to others, and the invisible one, the one that is scared, ashamed, tired, lonely and hungry. The person no one sees.
So many people tell me how strong I am. They don’t see the invisible part either, because I won’t show them. The shame is so overwhelming that I don’t even want to show it here…in the one place I should be able to lay it all down…
I’m afraid to say how forgotten I feel…how sometimes I’m afraid no one is thinking of me…because I don’t want to hear all the denials, because, I know it’s not true, but it is still how I feel. I fear telling how I sometimes feel like a little child, lost and alone, and how I yearn to be held, to feel safe, to feel cared for by someone..anyone, if only for a little while.
I feel guilty for all the envy I feel when I see families together…laughing, having dinner. Guilt for coveting constantly…the food on the commercials, the homes, the happiness of others…everything I don’t have. I pray about it. I berate myself…Stop feeling sorry for yourself! You have some food, you have a room today, you have your dog, you have people who care about you….So many people don’t have even this much! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!
Ugh…why did I think this would be so easy to put down here…on my blog?
Hey ya’ll. I have moved three times in as many days. The place I had thought I could stay did not work out. I won’t bore you all with the details for several reasons, the most important of which is that it doesn’t matter why.
I got my dog, Cody out of the shelter before heading to Florida this past Monday, and I drove 600 miles round trip to discover that it was not going to work out. I spent one night in a decent hotel to rest, and am now in a rather seedy place, though grateful for a bed and AC. The temps have been in the triple digits for days…NOT a good time to be homeless for sure. I pray for all of those people who must be out in this horrid heat.
I got my application in for food stamps, but as my husband is still receiving stamps for BOTH of us, he hasn’t reported the change yet, I can not receive anything until September 15. Yes, I have a roof, but going hungry has made it very difficult to remain healthy enough to go full steam ahead on the job hunt.
I was in the ER last week because I could not stop sleeping. They ran labs and came back to tell me that I am malnourished, dehydrated, and suffering from severe exhaustion, probably brought on by too much stress…uh, ya think? None of this was a surprise to me. It’s an awful catch 22…I need to be healthy enough to find a job and go to work, and yet, my situation provides neither enough food nor real rest to get myself to that point. My muscles have atrophied from lack of protein, and the motel I am now in, I can’t even really cook. At least at the last place I had a small stove and could make some protein rich dinners with little funds, now, even that is a challenge. Microwave food is not good on the nutrition, but it all that is affordable on a couple dollars a day. I pray so desperately for those who have even less than I do, my God, true hunger is the worst feeling ever! I won’t ever use the phrase, “I am starving” to indicate that I am due for a missed meal again…hunger hurts.
One of the hardest parts of this entire homeless, hungry situation is the complete desolation of pride. It is not easy to ask people for money, food or help of any kind…I can’t tell you how many times this past month+ that I have quoted the bible phrase, “You have not, because you ask not”…I am so grateful for those who have helped me survive and have helped keep a roof over my head, when in all reality I could not have done it myself. I want to be self-sufficient, I want to be strong and healthy…but, at this moment, I am not.
The second most difficult part of this has been the judgment I have encountered on so many aspects of my situation. I can only say one thing about this without becoming judgmental myself, and that is…if you have not been in my shoes, in my heart, in my head…you have no idea of what I am going through, and can not honestly have an opinion that is worth anything.
I have learned a lot about judgment of others during my homelessness, and I am ashamed to admit how much I was jumping to conclusions about the people I see every day. I am determined to not do that anymore…No one can truly know what another human being is going through or how they got there, and it’s really none of our business, our only business is to love each other. We need to look at everyone as connected to us, put our judgment aside and love them as God intended. We so often forget that we are all one, that what affects one, affects us all. Each of us has God living within us…we need to see this in every person we come across. “If we judge someone, we have no time to love them” Mother Teresa
The thoughts and feelings have become “backlogged” in my head and my fingers, and now that I have begun “leaking” them out here, I’m afraid I may never stop writing, but I will for now. I love you all so much, and wish I had more words to express my gratitude, and I am grateful for many things. I really need a hug.
Praise the Lord!!! I have found a place to go where I will be safe and cared for…I just need a little help to make it these next few days. I won’t get into all of the details yet, but I need only raise enough now for two more nights at the motel (Thursday and Friday). Then, I need money for gas and food…the total to get me from homeless to safe will be about $150 total. I know I have asked and received so much help from all of you already…but, this should be the last time I will need help to get out of this situation. If I can find just 15 people to donate $10 I will be HOME SAFE! WOOOOOOT! Please, if you have already donated this month, just sharing the link for my funding site should help me to reach this final goal…thank you thank you thank you!
I am smiling and breathing for the first time since this nightmare began. I am beyond grateful to God and all of you amazing people in my wordpress family for giving me strength and encouragement through your words and actions…I pray every day that I may be there for you also…to warm your hearts as you have done for me…I love you.
Do a happy dance with me!! ()()()())))))*)))))))
So sorry for the lack of updates, but being in survival mode leaves little time for writing.
I should update or delete my last post as I have managed to keep the motel room so far. (I apologize for making ya’ll worry) I was packing my car and preparing ready to head out last Thursday, when I suddenly remembered that I might be able to pay for a couple of days at a time rather than an entire week, and could get the reduced weekly rate, so that is what I have done so far. Not to get too technical on the cash issue, but I can pay for today and tomorrow, and once again, I will be at that “having to leave here” point.
I really wish I could tell you that I have a plan, but I don’t. Nothing on the job front yet, and the “available” services in this area are basically non-existent. I was going to try again to hold cash and leave tomorrow, until I saw the weather report. The temp is going to be around 99 with heat indices into the triple digits, so not a good time to get into my car without a plan. I will make phone calls all day tomorrow to various shelters etc. up in the Savannah area…I just pray there is someplace for me to go. Again, I have noticed that there are much more resources and jobs in that area, so…as much as I would love to stay here, I guess I may end up there. Who knows? Are there still real hippie communes anywhere? Oh…and if I never have to eat another saltine cracker I would not be displeased.
I wonder if I can make any money sitting on the beach playing my recorder? LOL…probably not. With all the thoughts that are running through my head…I wish I could get more of them down here, but they refuse to come. Maybe later. Love, hugs and peace to all of you. I love you!
I have battled with myself all day today, wondering what my next move should be. I have enough money to pay for one more week in the motel, but that will leave barely any money for food, phone minutes etc. The other option is to leave here in the morning, hold on to the cash, but have no place to sleep. I have chosen the latter.
To try and explain the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion would be impossible. If I could just feel safe and stable for a few weeks, I’m sure I would sleep and sleep, and sleep. It’s not like I have been dealing with “life unsure” for just this past three weeks, it has been years. Years of wondering if we would make it another month, would there be rent, food, electricity, dog food? Most of the past few years I have been in constant survival mode, it is the most wearing of all states to be…never feeling “safe”, never being able to relax. I search for words to describe this kind of tired, but there are none.
I wish I could give in to the exhaustion, just pay another week, and sleep the whole time. I know if I did that, I would wake up next Tuesday, having to leave here anyway, but with no cash. So, I must do what I feared the most. I must pack up my meager belongings tonight, and just do it. Pack up my car in the morning, take what reserves I have…and leave. I only wish I knew where I was going. I thought of going to a campground, but again…a waste of money. I need to hold on the what I have. I have to buy phone minutes and I have to eat, and of course, now, I have to make sure there is gas in the car.
I will need to find the best/safest places to park at night, a place where the cops won’t hassle me, and I won’t be seen by those who might take advantage. It will be a learning curve I’m sure. I haven’t checked the local weather, but knowing the area, I can guarantee that “HOT’ is the forecast. I can go to the mall, the library and other public places during the day, but honestly, I am so tired, even the thought of keeping moving all day long is daunting, but I will have to.
Well my dear friends…thanks again for all of your support, both emotional and financial. You gave me some time to rest and regroup with your generous donations. I wish I could tell you all that in three weeks I managed to put myself into a better situation, but alas, I have only managed to delay the inevitable. Pray for me…Kim
Though I know you will never see this, I must find a way to release all I feel in my heart for you…my sweet dogs.
I don’t know why my feelings of loss and pain for you both come on so strongly at night, maybe it’s because my mind is so focused on trying to survive during the day…though, a moment of the day does not pass without you both in it. I wish there was a way to tell you, to make you understand all that has happened to you. I also wish will all of my heart, that I could have found a way to keep you both with me forever…as I promised you when I brought you home. Mommy’s heart hurts with missing you!
My little Cody…You were so tiny the day we brought you home from the backyard breeders. It was Christmas Eve. You were covered with fleas. They looked so big on your little body. You gave us so many smiles on the ride home and every day since then. Even your stubbornness is something I will always admire. That last day we had together you were such a sweet boy, kissing Mama’s tears away.
Casey Anne…When I saw you that day in the kennel of the adoption van, I had no doubt that you would come and join our family. You were shaking and timid. I don’t blame you, you had such a rough start in life. I still can’t understand how anyone could have treated you that way. I hope that I taught you that there is love in the world, and that not all humans are bad. I showed you that you can trust, and that you can have food and hugs….always.
You and Cody became the best of friends on that first day, even though he was a bit pushy.
You are both such amazing babies, and I can only pray every day that we can be together again. But, you see…I don’t have a home right now, not even for me. I know that God knows my heart, and how much I want to come and get you from that cage in the shelter. Every night I dream of them opening that door, and seeing you both run to me and climb on me as we all cry with joy…oh, how I wish I could hold you both right now…I want you here with me, knowing how much I love you and how much I wish that this had not happened to us all. Life isn’t always fair my dear pups, and I hope I gave you enough love while we had time. Be good puppies okay? If I can’t come to get you, I want you to be loved and cared for by some really good family. Casey…show them how you cover your ears when they say you are cute…and Cody, show them how well you sit, and put your blankie in the kennel…Sit nice and no bity…okay guys?
Mommy loves you so much…I hope somehow you know this, and don’t be sad okay? I’m sad enough for all of us. Be happy dogs…someday soon you will go home, you will be outside again, running free, playing and chasing squirrels. I pray it will be with me, but if it is not…just be happy. I love you so much.
I will love you forever.
Two weeks today since my life as I knew it just disappeared. On one hand it feels like yesterday, but then the physical and mental exhaustion makes it seem like I’ve been “surviving” for a month.
My worst break-downs so far have been when thinking of my poor dogs. You see, I have a human understanding of what is going on, and as bad as the reality is, I know what happened, but when I allow my mind to wander to Cody and Casey, my heart literally aches for them. All they know is that one day they were home and the next they were in a scary, loud, strange place, and that I just left them there. Sigh…I can’t even write about it…I just can’t.
I am sitting here in the motel at almost 4am, and feeling more alone than ever before. Even in the worst parts of my marriage, when he and I sat in different rooms, I knew there was someone there, even the dogs gave me comfort…now, it is just me.
My kids have not called in the two weeks since this happened, and I guess I’m not as surprised as I am hurt. I know I wasn’t a good mother to them, even though I thought I was, but it hurts to think that my well-being doesn’t matter to them. I feel the same about my two brothers and my sister, yes, I have talked to two of them, but I still have no place of refuge, no place of safety to start to rebuild my life. It is just me…alone. I even got desperate enough to call hubby’s phone yesterday, to ask him a computer question…he has blocked me from his phone. Since he left two weeks ago, he has not tried to contact me even once…He doesn’t even know if I am well or safe.
I have to just come to realize that I am on my own, again…still. I have been taking care of myself since I was 10 years old, I guess I should be used to it by now, but there is a part of me, that little girl, that still longs for someone to care for her, to TAKE care of her, to keep her safe.
Right now…I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone to hold me. I saw my friends S & F the other day…the only true friends I have here, and when S gave me a hug I just lost it…I sobbed on her shoulder for a good 5 minutes, the first time I let my “wall” down. I had to put it back up, I have to stay strong. On my own. No hubby, no kids, no family, no dogs…I must take God’s hand and KNOW the He will never leave me nor forsake me.
I am so beyond grateful for all that have helped me…financially, spiritually, and with kind words of caring these past 14 days. I wish there were more words to describe “grateful”. I have raised my fundraising amount, not out of greed, but just for the fact that I have not found a job. I go tomorrow to turn in my housing application and to apply for food stamps, and will spend the rest of the day trying to put in job applications. The internet here stinks…I was halfway through a job assessment yesterday when it went down. I may have to go the library to complete most of them. Just another challenge.
I wish at this point that I could end this post on an upbeat, “I’m going to make it” note, but alas, I’m not right there at the moment. I keep repeating my mantra…”I’ll be okay”. It is very sad and shocking to realize that after 53 years on this Earth…I belong nowhere.
I need to stop scrolling through my photographs…I never realized how may photos I took of my two pups…My heart actually hurts.
This week has been such a blur of thoughts, emotions and fear. It is surreal to know that the life I had just a week ago has disappeared. The dogs, the husband, the home…all gone. I am alone.
Everything is different. I feel free on the one hand…my marriage having died years ago, but to think he would leave me this way is hard to swallow. The dogs being gone is one of the hardest parts..I try not to think about them, it just hurts so much. I have to be content to know that they are safe and cared for…I can’t even say that about myself.
Now, before I say this next part…a bit of a disclaimer…I KNOW that there are people who truly care about what I am facing, and care about how I am doing, but to be honest…it feels like I matter to no one. I am here with my thoughts and fears, alone. Day in and day out, I wonder what I am going to do, where will I go when I no longer have the rent for this room? What if I don’t get a job in time? How long will the food last…Those who one would normally turn to at a time like this, family and friends seem to be the ones who keep the most distance. Why? I can understand that they don’t know what to say, don’t know what to do to help me. I don’t even know the answers, but I didn’t do this to myself. I’m not a drunk or a druggie, I am not lazy. It’s like I have the plague. I have become one of those people you see on the sidewalk, begging for money, and you avert your eyes. It’s too uncomfortable to see, to even think that YOU might be that person if all went to hell tomorrow. I spent 15 years taking care of house, hubby, dogs, bills, and all of that…and had my entire life pulled out from under me, like a rug.
I feel like an outcast. I have had to put anything resembling pride aside, and ask total strangers, friends and family to donate money to help me survive. When it gets this bad, you have to do things that you never thought you would or could. There is no room for pride when you are homeless, when the fear of the unknown is all that you have left.
There is room for prayer, for trusting God to show me the way, to hope that I will find the rent, the food, the gas..the job. But, as I sit here alone today, in this little motel room..I will be content, I will be hopeful. I have to be.
If you are able to help, the donation link is on my page, just re-posting the link on social media would be a tremendous blessing also!