eJust got home dollar tree and Walmart. I got some household stuff at dollar tree, trash bags, paper towels etc. Then I went to Walmart to get some food to last until I get my stamps on Monday. I knew I was getting “too much”…I picked up my medication at the pharmacy and went to the register. As she was ringing it all up I began to panic and hold back items….I casually said to the lady behind me…”I hate having to put things back”. “What do you need to put back”? I showed her and she offered to pay for the items. Then I looked at the total already on the register and told the cashier I would still need to take a couple of items off, just so I wouldn’t be broke….The lady behind me looked at the register and said, “Run all of this through with mine. I’ll cover it all”!!!!! I still can’t stop crying!!
I can’t thank ya’ll enough for your caring, comments and concern this week. It has been a rough one for sure.
A good friend of mine brought me some money for food to last until Monday. Just didn’t want to leave you worrying about me. I am blessed.
Today I have been married for 13 years. My husband “ran away” two years ago. So much for love, honor and cherish till death huh?
I don’t get my food stamps until Monday…This is my fridge right now.
I have been having a lot of issues since the doctor raised my medication level. The worst of which has been my radical sleep schedule. I fell asleep at 4pm yesterday and slept until 1am this morning.
I had intended on leaving the house soon to go panhandle, but after walking Penny for five minutes and coming in sweating…there is just no way I can go stand out there.
Thank goodness I see my therapist at 1 today. I best set my alarm in case I fall to sleep again so I don’t miss it. Sigh
I can’t see the med doctor until Monday to see what can be done about my side-affects. I am beyond discouraged right now.
When will I ever get some relief?
Okay, so, another night of no sleep.
This past week has been amazingly stressful. I almost lost my youngest daughter. I won’t get into details here because it is her life and private, but I can not get beyond the fear of almost losing her again, and the fact that I can do NOTHING to help her through this.
I have no appetite and that is good because I just spent the last of my food stamps and have 2 weeks before they come again. I have no cash of course.
The title of this post is because I couldn’t title another post, “Too hot to panhandle.” After being up all night I actually considered grabbing my sign and going out, but I am way too tired, and yes, it is too hot out there.
I don’t know….I go to the mail box every day just praying I will receive the letter stating I got approved for SSI, but all that I get are bills.
I honestly want to post here all the positives; I have a roof, AC, food, clean clothes, my dog Penny….Being grateful, (which I am), is supposed to lift one up, but it’s not really working today. I am going to wash my dishes, make my bed with clean sheets, and maybe just sleep the day away….again.
Sorry for being such a gloomy Gus…..it is what it is.
Last night I put Penny in the car to run to the local convenience store to get a couple of snacks. I didn’t plan on begging, even though the night cashier there knows me, and has only warned me to avoid the cameras the few times I’ve been there for that reason.
As I walked in the store I held the door open for a cab driver with one leg. He smiled and said “thank you”. I finished getting my things, using what little food stamps I have left.(less than $20 until the 15th). As I walked out the cab driver was getting into his car, and for some reason, I ignored all the “rules” of begging and went and asked if he had a few dollars for me to get some smokes. I didn’t realize that his passenger was an employee of the store…She stepped right out of the cab, giving me a look like I was something she had just stepped in…”You can’t DO that here”…I just turned and walked away, my face red, the shame whelming up inside of me.
I came home and cried.
I don’t want to be like this.
I don’t want to have to ask others to keep helping me. My friend “D”…he pays my interned/cable every month, pays my car insurance, buys my shampoo, toilet paper and everything else that comes with everyday living. I hate asking him for money for smokes, he works hard for it and he doesn’t smoke. He also tells me every time I ask, that I have to quit. I love him for who he is and how he helps me, but I hate the lecture every time. So, I try to beg and panhandle for my cigs, and for whatever else I can get money for.
I hate the way people look at me when I am standing outside with my sign…I know what they are thinking. They don’t know that I have a mental illness. They don’t know that I have tried SO hard to be able to hold a job. They don’t know that I don’t want to be out there like that.
Then there are the ones who just look away, doing everything they can to not see me. I don’t blame them. I make them uncomfortable, angry, sad…whatever it is they feel/think.
I thought I would get up early today and head out with my sign. Maybe even make a new sign. But, I just can’t do it. My mind can’t do it. My body can’t do it. My pride can’t do it.
I am so sad. Everyone is celebrating with family or friends. Everyone is happy and grilling out, going to fireworks.
But, I know the truth. There are many people just like me who are just trying to survive. People who feel like shit every day…People who smile through it all…trying to hide the shame they feel. The shame they know their families feel about them…
We all know that society today is so materialistic, so driven by “what you have is what you are worth”.
Today, I feel like I am worth nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
It is too hot again today to panhandle. The heat index is down to 99 now, but I still can’t bear to be out there. The one good spot I have now for standing and holding my sign has no shade at all.
The stress has made my appetite go out the window, so that doesn’t help my fatigue.
I managed to get my apartment cleaned up today, well, mostly cleaned. I just took a Klonopin to help keep me from stressing too much about running out of smokes again.
I figure if I sleep now, and wake after 10pm, I can hit up the people at the Walmart or in front of the convenience store for dollars. It’s harder to get money that way, but at least I won’t be frying in the heat.
So yeah, nap time I guess. I am so tired.
This past month has been a very busy one.
I have had multiple tests to try to find the source of my abdominal pain. So far, all the tests have come back negative, which is good, but still provides no answer.
I got turned down on my second review for SS, so I insisted on a new psychiatric evaluation. I know that it should help my case, but going through psychoanalysis is so incredibly hard. After it, I slept for almost two days. Having to tell all of my traumas from childhood on was completely exhausting. My lawyer is optimistic that I will either get approved on this third review, or we will go in front of the judge.
In the meantime, as it is in many places of the country right now, the weather here is torture for me. I have never done very well in the heat, but it is so bad out there, trying to panhandle is almost impossible. Just walking Penny for 5 minutes makes me feel ill.
The psychiatrist that did my eval also raised my medication dose, so I am trying to adjust to that. It just makes me feel tired.
I went out at 10:30 last night to stand in front of the convenience store just to get $4 for a pack of smokes. Luckily it didn’t take too long as it was still 90 degrees at that hour.
I didn’t wake until 2pm today, and was happy to see it was cloudy, thinking it will be easier to stand out there with my sign and get some cash for gas and more smokes, but of course, the sun has come out again..and it is steamy. I have to go either way, but I won’t be able to take Penny with me. I do so much better panhandling when she is with me, but I won’t make her suffer out there. I will wait another hour or two, hoping it won’t be as hot. Either way…I have to do it.
It is shameful, demeaning, and thoroughly exhausting….but, I will do it again, and again…until I don’t have to anymore.
Back in January, the housing program I am in decided to move a few people around. I was one of those who was moved into a smaller apartment. I actually love the complex more than the other. It is much quieter here and I am closer to the ocean.
When I saw how small the kitchen was my first thought was, “It needs a window”. I love to have a window to look out of while I cook or do the dishes. So I hatched a plan.
I found the window frame at a local antique fair, and then had one of my own photographs enlarged to fit. So, now I have a window “view” over my sink. I can also switch out the photograph if I’d like to change the view!
I am so discouraged today.
I have been having some abdominal pain for like 4 months now. The doctor found blood in my urine with no UTI, so he thought it might be cancer. I went back to the doc on Wed. No blood in urine, but a bacterial infection in my vagina. I am now on antibiotics for that, and I still need to bring in a stool sample to check out my colon health.
Of course, a colonoscopy is what the doc says I really need, but as I am seeing him at the “free” clinic, there is only so much he can do for me with the available resources.
In the meantime, I am broke as always. My food stamps are gone until the 15th. I have food in the house, but am out of some things…Pepsi, bread, cigs etc. Now, the med the doc put me on is causing severe diarrhea and I don’t even have feminine pads to help protect my undergarments, so I just got done cutting up the dog’s wee wee pads to use.
I can’t go panhandling. It has been either deathly hot out or storming. Plus I physically feel like shit.
There is no way to even tell you how exhausted I am of this life. This struggle. This waiting for things to get better. I want to sleep forever. Thank goodness I have tranquilizers…at least I can sleep and dream, and not deal with this shit.
As I explained in my post titled Homeless to Helpless to feeling Hopeless…Survival is Exhausting. Back in October I rescued a dog that I named, Penny Lane.
I had been deep in the throes of a very bad depression to the point of sitting one night and wondering if the railing on my balcony would hold my weight. I made it through…THAT night. I knew I was in a seriously dangerous episode of my disease, so I made the necessary visits to my therapists, used what coping tools and meds I could, but I still struggled to come up out of the pit.
Even though the housing program that I am in is wonderful, it does not allow pets. However, after doing some research online I found that I could apply through my therapist for an Emotional Service Animal. I jumped on it as fast as I could. My therapist knew that the loss of my dogs, and my being alone constantly was really making my life horrible, so she wrote a “prescription” for a therapy dog for me.
I was so excited that night! I poured over the Humane Society site, choosing which dogs I would go visit the following day. When I got to the humane society I asked to see the first dog I had chosen. He was cute, but had as many issues as I, and I was afraid I was not up to the challenge of helping him. I walked through the kennels again, passing by Penny’s cage for the second time, she stood and reached her paw out to me between the bars and kissed my finger.
I asked if I could take her to the social room to see if she and I were compatible. Well, I never made it to the room with her. As soon as I held her I knew…I just KNEW that she was MY dog, and I was her “Mama”.
She had been brought in as an abuse/neglect case, and had spent most of her young life in a cage, but that didn’t stop me from loving her at first snuggle. I signed the papers and brought her home. It has taken a lot of work to get her to where she is now. At first she was understandably afraid of everything and everyone..except me lol. I took her out to crowded places, and had strangers hand her treats. I spoiled her with treats and a soft bed, and toys, and a ton of hugs and kisses. I taught her that humans can be good, and that love is possible, that life is amazing. And she taught me the same.
She is a totally different dog now. She still doesn’t really like men, and she has an aversion to baseball caps, but otherwise, you would never know she had such a rough start in life. She has also made my life so much better. She gave me company. She gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Most importantly she made me feel loved and needed. I’m not sure who save who…but, we are both blessed indeed.