Constantly editing myself has been my greatest barrier to writing anything lately. Whether the editing is in the content, trying to be P.C., or in my punctuation and grammar (which I’ve never been able to understand), I end up losing my true self in these petty issues, the results ending up stale and without depth. I long for the days when I was so completely out of my mind, in a state of mania, or a state of medication induced psychosis, that my thoughts flowed without any inhibition. The poetry, the rantings and ravings, the random thoughts from those times, even in their strangeness, felt more like myself than most of what I write these days. I need to find my inner “crazy girl”, that side of me that is carefree, wild, and cares not what others may thing of her. I need to rediscover the joy of just letting the words flow, of letting my mind and fingers release the words as they come, not caring what anyone will think of my writing or my lack of proper punctuation.
I’ve spent too many years trying to please people. It is time to let go, time to be just me, not someone else’s version of who they think I should be for them. I must find a way to release the “crazy girl”, that self-assured, spontaneous, jaded, hurt, loving, care-free one who I know lives inside my soul. I must remove the layers of expectations that others have placed over her like tiny shrouds, keeping her buried all these years, peeling away little by little, until I can see and feel her clearly. I will set her free. She may be a little crazy, but I love her.