Insanity as Muse

I believe that to write well one must be a little insane. The ability to let the mind travel unfettered, and untamed, is a gift I covet. A gift I once had, and have lost.

Constantly editing myself has been my greatest barrier to writing anything lately. Whether the editing is in the content, trying to be P.C., or in my punctuation and grammar (which I’ve never been able to understand), I end up losing my true self in these petty issues, the results ending up stale and without depth. I long for the days when I was so completely out of my mind, in a state of mania, or a state of medication induced psychosis, that my thoughts flowed without any inhibition. The poetry, the rantings and ravings, the random thoughts from those times, even in their strangeness, felt more like myself than most of what I write these days. I need to find my inner “crazy girl”, that side of me that is carefree, wild, and cares not what others may thing of her. I need to rediscover the joy of just letting the words flow, of letting my mind and fingers release the words as they come, not caring what anyone will think of my writing or my lack of proper punctuation.

I’ve spent too many years trying to please people. It is time to let go, time to be just me, not someone else’s version of who they think I should be for them. I must find a way to release the “crazy girl”, that self-assured, spontaneous, jaded, hurt, loving, care-free one who I know lives inside my soul. I must remove the layers of expectations that others have placed over her like tiny shrouds, keeping her buried all these years, peeling away little by little, until I can see and feel her clearly. I will set her free. She may be a little crazy, but I love her.

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17 comments on “Insanity as Muse

  1. Trying to cram ourselves into someone else’s mold never works – all the best bits get lost in what overflows. I often acknowledge and enjoy all the different perspectives and experiences that my friends and acquaintances bring to my life but then have so much trouble accepting that my own oddities might do the same for them! It’s a daily process, hopefully getting a bit better all the time.

    Thanks for sharing such a personal perspective. I think in some ways you’ve described one of the challenges of all writers – how to get out the vibrancy and passion of personal experiences without alienating people with our own individual weirdness and what we’re “really” thinking! I wish I had a solution but I edit myself as well 🙂

    Keep on keepin’ on!

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    • Thanks so much..your comments is right on. I am happy to be at an age when my, “I don’t give ****” attitude is taking over. This may be fate, that I started blogging at my age lol!

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  2. I think it may all be about filters, Kim. When I was writing for the daily newspaper/site, I always had my readers in mind. It was the imperative filter, necessary, but a filter nonetheless. When I write my film blog, I have those readers in mind. Be correct, be perfect, be entertaining, be interesting, all in a dozen paragraphs. Imposing filter, there. But when I write for my own blog, I seem to be able to write just for myself. I take more chances and worry far less about reactions. You can get there.

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  3. I know exactly what you’re talking about. My spelling is atrocious. I’m so afraid that if I don’t correct it immediately, when I go back to edit, I won’t even know what word I was trying to write. There’s good reason for this fear however. I have short-term memory loss issues. Still, it prevents me from flowing with any creativity that I may have. All must go in spits and spurts. Annoying to say the least.

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    • Yes, that makes it more difficult with memory issues. I just never got the hang of grammar/punctuation…My spelling isn’t as bad, but I still need to look up words now and then to be sure.

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  4. Hey there, Kim:

    I am sorry to read of this difficult time.

    You have me considering whether sanity versus insanity is just another way of demarcating norms of behaviour – what most people find acceptable and unacceptable; creatives dig down into their well further than most to grapple with realities of Life, the colours and flavours of Life, all range of experience of Life. The demarcation should perhaps be one separating creative from not creative, imaginative from limited imagination. You’re on the creative, imaginative side of things – others don’t choose this path.

    Ira Progoff brought forward a method of journaling that helps creatives move past limitations and distractions of editing to honest (unedited) expression. As a tool it is comprehensive dealing with your day, recent/current history, ways of breaking through to where your idea have holed-up; it has you focusing on personal imageries and opening out how they work in your Life and for you. There are ways for you to access works or endeavors. There are ways to unburden yourself and move forward, tangibly and productively with intention, with goals, creatively and making use of that gift of imagination.

    The method is called the Progoff Intensive Journal Program (for Self-development).
    http://intensivejournal.org/index.php

    Writers, theologians, artists, musicians use the method to ground themselves and to work at their works.

    If it works for you … great; I’ve attended three weekend workshops in the last twenty years and one full week workshop. It’s great for decluttering and for developing momentum toward your works and endeavors.

    Take good care of your good self. 😉

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  5. I think we all have to be a bit insane to live in the world today and function. I do not mean that in a bad way, but often when I am under a lot of pressure and stress, I laugh, and look for things to chuckle about.
    People look at me like I am off my rocker when I should be all stressed to the max and I am laughing.
    I think self acceptance is the best we can do to be creative and allow ourselves to be who we are.

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    • I totally agree about laughter…with all it’s craziness, life should be fun, joy! Self acceptance I am learning…I think I’ve spent so long trying to be what others have wanted, that I’ve forgotten who I really am.

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