Silent Sunday?

It’s nearing 8 o’clock here, and I haven’t posted a thing today. I’m in a strange funk. I want to write, but everything I want to write about seems verboten. Not that I can’t write what I please here, but the issues on my mind are personal, what some would consider “private”. But really, if it’s my life I’m writing about, then who decides that it should be private? Me?

I just have so much going on inside my head, so much I wish I had answers for and don’t. Talking with friends or my sister about all  these pent-up thoughts and feelings helps some, but I wish I could just let it all out here. You know, spill it, then log out, so it is someplace other than in my head and my heart. I guess this is why I go to therapy, though that never seems as good for me as seeing my “insides” out on a page. Maybe that’s what I need to do…turn myself inside out.

Endless questions with either difficult or no answers. I can do the difficult. Hell, I am beyond proficient in “difficult” when it comes to life, though I wish that wasn’t true. Let’s just make a list, shall we?

I want to be loved. Not the normal, everyday, boring kind of love that many of us seem to settle for, but the all-consuming, B.S. kind of love, like in the movies. This sounds silly. I know. But, it must happen somewhere for someone right? I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’ve felt real passion. I want to feel it again.

I want to be accepted for who I am now. Not who I have been. I don’t want to be judged anymore for my past mistakes. We are all human after all.

I want to feel like my being here matters, especially to my children. I know I’ve hurt them in the past, but wish they would just give me an executive pardon, let me know that who I am now is okay, better than okay. It sucks to beg for your own child’s love and acceptance. They hate me. I make jokes about being the “Worst Mother of the Year” 35 years straight now, but it’s not funny…my insides bleed.

I long for joy…pure unadulterated joy, and laughter…oh, how I miss laughing.

I want friends. Real friends. Friends to hang out with, go places with, friends who are there when I fall apart, and when I laugh. The only friends I have like that are in cyber space, and it’s just not the same. Funny, I’m one of the most friendly people you may ever meet. I’m kind and generous, to a fault. I just can’t seem to make those kind of human connections that are such an important part of life, and it seems to get tougher as we get older. I have read “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood” a hundred times. Why? Because those are the kind of friendships I crave in the deepest part of me. (more make-believe I guess)

I don’t need anyone to tell me that life is tough. I’ve lived it. I’ve been there. Now, I want the good. I deserve the good. Only I can create whatever I want my life to become, in whatever time I have left here. Being a dreamer isn’t a bad thing. Dreams can become real. Right?

Is it wrong to have dreams, desires, and needs? Or, is it so wrong to want them fulfilled? I dream of a special kind of life, one with the love I crave, my children’s acceptance of me, my photography to share with others, my dogs, and lots of friends, a world where laughter, and love exist every day. Hell, I feel guilty even writing this! What is wrong with me? Narcissist? Ego centered, selfish *itch? I’m so needy it’s pathetic. I sound like some dime store, teenage, “look at me, look at me” novel. I’m done.

I guess for this Sunday, I might have been better off taking a vow of silence.

"Walking my Favorite Beach"

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17 comments on “Silent Sunday?

  1. Kim – I’m so sorry you had such a tough day yesterday. I hope today is better. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to have such a difficult relationship with your kids. I’m sorry you are going through that. I too had a difficult relationship with my father. Unfortunately I have no magic words to make it better, just a thought that others have suggested – that all you can do is offer your love to them, not to ‘make them want / need you back’ but just to offer it to them without expectation. Its truly the only thing you have control over.

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    • Thank you…and you’re right. I can’t control how others feel about me. I will always be here for them in any way I can, and my love for them is unconditional. I’m their Mom, and always will be, and they will always be in my heart.

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  2. Sometimes it’s best NOT to be silent and to just let it all out there. If anyone judges you for it, then screw them, but it seems like from the comments that you have a lot of support. Blogs belong to the writer, and only you can determine their content…if you decide you want to or need to blog about something, don’t worry about what other people might think, just do it!

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    • Thank you…I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I just pray he will allow me the joy I seek while here. I purposely seek out joy in the every day, and I find things to be joyful about, there just seems to be so much longing in me. I make my own happiness from where I am, just feeling a bit defeated tonight I guess.

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  3. I want to hear everything about your inner thoughts. It might cleanse the bodies from your mental closet. Nothing is verboten or at least it can be mentioned. I have stated to the world I was sodomized by older children and priests. This too will pass..

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    • I believe you are right. I kept telling myself over the years that if I just kept trying to reach out, and show them my love, that it would change somehow, but I can’t keep hurting myself this way.

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  4. Some people never get to the place where they can so clearly identify what they need and want in their life. You see your desires so clearly. And it seems to me that they are attainable goals. Somehow get your children to read this blog piece from today, Kim. Print it out and mail it to them if you must. I think it would really open their eyes and, hopefully, their hearts. Hang in there and keep trying.

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    • Thanks Mark, but honestly, I don’t believe they care how I feel, or anything about me actually. I may just need to face that fact…I’ve tried so hard for so long to get them to love and accept me. I’m tired of hurting.

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  5. First, thank you for sharing! In my experience, that is the first step to healing. As far as your children, maybe they are waiting for you to love (forgive?) yourself so they can love you, and show you their love for you. And maybe, just maybe, you need to do this for yourself? Because then, you will live a life with your “arms wide open” for others to love you and be attracted to you. This reminds me of an old song, “What the world needs now is love sweet love….” What I am trying to say – is the world needs you! But you have to get their first. 🙂

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    • Thanks…funny you mentioned that song. It brings back a really special memory of me and my sister. I have found love for myself, finally, and acceptance. I just hurt every day that they don’t want/need me in their lives. I’ll never be the kind of mom they want (my daughter’s exact words), but I can only be ME! I’ve made great strides in forgiving myself for all I did or didn’t do for them, but I just want them to know, truly know I love them. Hard to do when they won’t even answer my calls, or call me. sigh. it just hurts.

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