No, I don’t mean are you Politically Correct. I mean, are you “Poverty Conscious” around the holidays?
I have always loved the holidays. Starting on Thanksgiving day with the Macy’s parade, and all the fabulous food, to watching my favorite Christmas shows. Remember when we had to wait all year to see the Christmas specials, and if we missed them we were out of luck? I’m so happy to have DVDs, I sometimes find myself watching “Scrooge” in the middle of July. I get so nostalgic listening to Bing Crosby’s “I’ll be Home for Christmas”, except that it makes me cry every time. I love decorating the house and the tree. As a child the building of anticipation was almost too much to bear, my parents and grandparents did it so well! I tried to instill this same sense of wonder, and tradition in my own children. I can see the traditions continue, as each year my daughter’s post pics of their trees all decked out, and the grands opening their presents.
Christmas is so different when you suffer from poverty. I wrote recently about The Many Pain of Poverty, and how it affects many of us on a day-to-day basis, but the holidays bring on a whole new set of pains. I am used to struggling week to week, sometimes buying the dog’s food instead of my own, but around Christmas time it can feel really lonely. Honestly, I am not a materialistic person. I mean, you can’t be materialistic and poor, you’d never survive or be happy. It does get tough though, walking through all the stores, seeing everyone so excited about finishing their shopping lists. Watching others put up post after post of beautiful decorations, trees, gifts, and family gatherings, well, it just hurts. I am truly happy for those who are blessed, but I miss being a part of all the hub bub. I want to be able to buy gifts for my kids and grand kids. I want to be with them! I want comfort and joy.. There I said it. I know it is supposed to be about the kids, but I’m a kid at heart, and I miss “Big” holidays. I miss family.
There have been recent years when we couldn’t even afford a tree, and that was okay. I don’t think I’ll get one this year, I mean, I don’t have living room furniture, so why put a tree in a room I can’t sit down in to admire it? I am grateful that the cold hasn’t hit here yet, so that I’m not worried about heating this un-insulated house that has no central heating. I’m grateful that I have food, and warm clothes, and a roof over my head. Is it so bad that I wish I had a bit more? It is wrong that I want to pay off the new laptop I have on lay-away at Walmart, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to? (I want it for my new bogging “career” lol). Is it wrong to want to ask “Santa” for the new tires I so desperately need? Is it wrong to wish for more? Maybe. But I do wish that a miracle will happen, and things could be different for us this year.
On the upside…I don’t have to face the crowds at the mall. I won’t have to clean up a ton of pine needles all the way through to February. I don’t have all the stress that most people face with this “deadline”. I can just watch the movies, listen to the music, and be happy. I’ll try not to miss my kids, my grands, and my parents (who both died in December), though I’ll fail miserably, and I’ll try to remember those who are much worse off than I am this Christmas.
I could get into the Christian side of this, “It’s Christ’s birthday after all, not mine”, but I’m feeling selfish, and my birthday is coming up too. I’m glad I have a therapy appointment on the 4th, the day Mama died actually, I think I need one. I’m rambling, and probably not making any sense at all. I guess I just wish I had that feeling of anticipation, that joy of expectation, of good things to come. And well, on this particular night I don’t, and for those of you who have managed to read this until the end, my sincere apologies. I’m wondering if I should even push “Publish”. Probably my worst post yet. ( I hate whiners).. But, here goes nothing…
Oh, and one last word, my prayer is always that I can be blessed…not for myself, but so I can bless others, and help them to not ever have to feel this way at Christmas, or any other time.
I just dug out this old photo from my Grandparent’s house…1968? It is one of my best childhood memories.