She lies in her soft bed, gazing at the little Christmas tree she bought yesterday. She loves Christmas trees. She loves many things. She goes through the long list of things that she is grateful for, and tries to focus on the here and now. She tries to be content, struggling to stay in the moment, to not wander to another time, another place that she has not yet known. She knows this is a losing battle, no matter how hard she tries to ignore it, the longing for what is missing takes over her heart, and her mind.
She reaches into her drawer for the little blue pill, the one that will help her sleep. It is only in sleeping and dreaming that her longings are fulfilled. In her dreams she finds all the missing pieces of herself, of her life. She waits for the pill to take hold…and then, she vanishes.
The little kitchen is adorned with white curtains, the window above the sink looks out over fields and forest, a barn in the distance. The cup of tea warms her hands, the woven rug she stands on is soft. She breathes deeply the scent of lilacs, and fresh-cut grass… euphoria. She looks out to see her dogs running around the yard, playing some secret dog game, happy. She sees the garden she planted, and smiles at all the sunflowers. She is suddenly conscious of her breathing and her heartbeat, slow, steady…there is no fear here. Through the screen door, and onto the porch, she feels the wood beneath her feet, warmed by the sun. She sits on the swing, and watches as the sunlight through the trees makes dancing shadows on the lawn. She closes her eyes for a moment, swimming in contentment.
She hears the sound of the screen door, the gentle padding of his feet. He sits beside her, and draws her closer to him, she rests her head upon his chest, listening to his heartbeat. His arms surround her, she feels his soft kiss on the top of her head. He gently moves her hair from her face, his fingers like feathers, caressing her cheek. She feels so loved, so cared for…she sighs. He whispers his love for her…she turns to see his face…
She wakes, and lies perfectly still trying desperately to hold on to that feeling, but it slips away. She reaches for the drawer…for another chance to sleep, another chance to dream, hoping that someday she will wake in that little house with the window and its white curtains, the warm rug beneath her feet, the dogs in the yard. She silently prays for the chance to see the sunflowers in her waking hours, and feel that caress on her cheek, the love she so desires, the home and life, that for now…only come when she vanishes.