A Birthday No One Will Celebrate, A Pity Party No One Wants to Attend

I am 53 years old today, well, I will be at 8:02 PM tonight. My mother and father are no longer alive, not that today would be different, or special if they were. The last real birthday party I had was when I was ten years old. Oh, what a party that was, friends and cake, balloons and presents! I’ll never forget that birthday party. That was the year Dad got me the blue Schwinn 3 speed bike I wanted so badly. It was the last time in my life I was made to feel as if my being here meant something.

Now, my birthdays go by like any ordinary day. I get no cards, no gifts, no cake…no celebration of my being born. I will get the obligatory “Happy Birthdays” on Facebook, and I know that some of those are sincere, but they aren’t from anyone who is in my real life, just cyber life. I will spend today alone. Husband is on the road, but even if he was home, he has never made my birthdays special. He would might grab the last-minute card, maybe a cake, but he has never made it feel important.  He even forgot my 50th, the one I thought would be special somehow.

My children and I are still not close, not the way I, and they, wish we were. It’s not just distance that keeps us apart, but so many emotional hurts, and a past I can’t make up to them, no matter how much I wish I could. I can’t be the mother they wish they had, just like my mother can never be the parent I wish she had been. I have to admit that I am the worst when it comes to sending cards, whether it’s birthday, or Christmas cards, I have never been good at it, even when I could afford to. But I never get cards, no Mother’s Day cards, no Christmas Cards, and no gifts. I got one Christmas card last week from a dear lady and her husband in Florida, a woman I only know from Facebook. She has been a blessing to me more times than I can count. I thank God for her kindness toward me. I hung that card up on my bedroom wall above my little Christmas tree. It makes me smile.

I still dream of having a bunch of girl friends, the type of friends who have lunches together, and hang out and laugh together, friends who would celebrate with me.  But, I’ve never had that either. Which is funny because I’ve always been told I’m so friendly and loving. I guess those kinds of friendships are hard to develop when you spend years drifting from place to place, just trying to survive, when you have no roots. I long so desperately for that kind of connection to other women. Being alone all the time sucks.

In the morning, when I wake up, I will pretend it’s just another day. There will be no one here to celebrate me, no one to say, “I’m glad you were born.” No hugs, no cake, no laughter, no anything. I am ready. I won’t look at all the “Happy Birthdays” on Facebook, at least not tomorrow. I will wait for my kids to call, but know in my heart that if they do, it’s just because they feel they should. I know I don’t deserve much from them, but knowing someday that I am truly loved by them is the only gift I want. I know they’ll have another reason for hating me after reading this too. All I can say is that I gave them life, not the life they wish I could have given them, but life just the same. And today is the day my mother gave me life, and all life is important, and all mother’s should be made to feel special, even the ones who fall short. I never had anyone to show me how to be a good parent, so maybe that’s why I’ve never been one. I’m tired of hiding my hurt.

I know, I’m rambling. Sitting here pouring out a thousand thoughts a second, feeling sorry for myself. But hey, I care about me, even if no one else does. It took a lot of years for me to say that I love myself, and forgive myself for all I’ve messed up. I will celebrate this life that God has given me, and try to be happy today, and not look at all that is missing. It’s just another day.

I apologize for the “pity party” that I have thrown for myself, but at least it’s a party. Oh, and Google, in its infinite snooping, posted a bunch of cakes, party favors, and candles on my home page…Happy Birthday to me!

Me and Mama

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39 comments on “A Birthday No One Will Celebrate, A Pity Party No One Wants to Attend

  1. My husband doesn’t do holidays or special occasions, either. But most of the time he’s there with what I need when I need it. Yet on my birthday, there aren’t balloons, a cake or presents in sight. Probably because I hate balloons, most cake I can’t eat, and I keep begging my kids to please come to the house and take some of this junk away. They don’t give presents, but they’ve yet to cart away all my grandmother’s crystal. 🙂

    Motherhood is a 24 hour a day 7 day a week job and if anyone says they had the perfect mother or they were the perfect mother, they’re delusional. One of the truths I finally came around to accepting was that once a child is an adult, it is their responsibility to make something of their life. No matter what happened in the past, blaming mom, dad, etc., for their failures in life is just an excuse. Any good therapist will tell them that.

    So next year when you’re 54, go to the best restaurant around and order that fat-laden entirely-too-delicious meal you’ve avoided eating for months. Go to the best bakery around and order that cake you’ve been dying to try. Walk into the nearest senior center and announce, “It’s my birthday, I would be honored if you would share this cake with me in celebration.”

    There are more people sharing your loneliness than you know, and all would love to share in your joy. 🙂

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    • Thank you so much for you kind words. I am starting over this year…in many ways. My children, my husband, and others can decide how much they want me in their lives…I’m done begging. I deserve so much more than that. I love your idea of taking the cake to a nursing home. I’ve always had a special place in my heart for the elderly…which my children don’t realize I will be someday soon. Happy New Year! 🙂 I will celebrate ME this year.

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  2. Like, omtatjuan, I am happy you entered this plane of existence, too. I hope you did find joy on your birthday, which is a day to celebrate, whether your husband or kids recognize it or not. You have a gift of self-expression and acknowledgement begins with oneself. If I lived near you, I would take you to lunch for your birthday! Happy birthday, dear Kim!

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  3. Happy belated birthday! I hope that your kids called and that you had a nice conversation. I also hope that you might have done something for yourself because you are so correct when you said that finding self-love is a huge deal and when that happens celebrating your own birthday is the best thing to do. Hugs! 🙂

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    • Thanks Laurie..I talked on the phone with my two daughters, and got a facebook message from my son. I haven’t done anything for myself..yet, but today was payday, and I’m thinking either dinner or a movie may be in store. Who knows. Thanks for the hugs! 🙂

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  4. Happy birthday to one very strong woman. If it will make you smile both my wife and I forgot our thirtieth wedding anniversary, but had a great dinner out that night after the penny dropped.

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    • LOL about the anniversary. I made sure we got married exactly one week after hubby’s birthday, so he only has to know, if his birthday is a Saturday, the next Saturday is our anniversary. This has saved him a few time I think. My 50th birthday was a tough one to let him off the hook for though. I guess I am just in need of recognition…in a lot of ways, not just my birthday, thus, my monthly therapy sessions. 🙂

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  5. Sorry about missing your birthday yesterday. Yep, I’m one of the many cyber friends that can’t make it to your house to give you a gift personally. Until this year, my husband has remembered my birthday. Usually it’s been the last minute thing but still… This year my birthday went by without a peep from him. The only person who did remember was my mom (yes, still alive and kicking) but her card came a couple of days late. You know what? I really didn’t mind being forgotten. I don’t know why this is but it sure does make life simpler.

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    • Yeah, it would be simpler if it didn’t matter to me I guess. I don’t care so much about gifts…I just want to feel like I matter, but that is a constant feeling, it’s just more pronounced on my birthday.

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      • Don’t worry, Kim. You do matter. I haven’t been reading your posts all that long, but since the time I started following you (was it September?), I’ve looked forward to your musings and your photos. You are gifted in many ways.

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      • Thanks Glyn..I started at the end of Oct. actually, and I am so grateful for this experience, and for people like you who are always so encouraging..Hugs

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  6. Also Kim, I am so sorry that we do not live close enough to have those girlfriend lunches, those special relationships. I have a few close girl friends and you would compliment us all perfectly. I don’t know when….but someday, I WILL get toill Brunswick and we will uspend some girlfriend time together. Love you!

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  7. Happy Birthday my dear Soul Sister. You know that comes from my heart. I have had a few years go by as you describe. I do know that pain…..for a number of years my hubby (wonderful as he is) just kind of let my Birthday’s slip by. Now of course, my sis has always sent a card and gift and a call when she can. She is the one constant light in my life, the light that was always there and always will be there.

    Even though I had the Birthday parties as a kid….you know my parents and I have never been close. Always seemed like strangers to each other. They made me resentful and I made them miserable. I know you follow my FB, so you know what I am now going through with my parents. The positive in this situation (that I never thought would happen) is that now, my parents and I are developing a relationship that we never had. It is hard and it is painful, but very rewarding and cathartic. And yes, it is sad to know that at this point in time, time is very limited. My Mom has Alzheimer’s although thankfully, at this point she still knows her family. So there is your proof that it is NEVER too late to develop a relationship with your kids. It will be bittersweet when it happens; you will all feel sad for the time you missed. But you will also be glad for the time that you reclaim each other as family.

    I too am very introspective on our Birthday, now that I’m nearing the 5-0. I won’t go into detail here; but 2013 has been one of the worst years of my life. However, today, right now, I am looking forward to the new future that I have yet to create. Here is to an awesome 2014. Cheers!

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    • Thank you my sweet Glo. I am going to make 2014 my happiest year ever, and it won’t be because of my kids or my husband, it will be because of what I choose to make it! I love you!

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  8. My friend: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Kiiiiiiim. Happy birthday to you. My voice isn’t the best, but it looks good in type. Me, tomorrow. Older than you by a few. Time to reflect, like you are here, certainly. First, though, I am thinking about my friend Kim. Do you go out in your hometown, sit in the mall food court, use free wifi in a coffee shop, sign up for a ‘Y’ workshop, go to a church social, start a conversation with a stranger? I know from your photos that you are a woman about that pretty town of yours. I want you to try to share that friendly demeanor and see if you can’t establish new connections. Deal?

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    • Thank you Mark…I am working on making a new life for myself this coming year. This blog was just a start, and a good one it seems! 2014 will be a new start for me…a much better, happier life is coming! Hugs and yes, deal!

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  9. I had made a note that the “drawing” above was a birthday cake. But that notation didn’t show up. It didn’t post as good as I thought it would, but that IS a birthday cake, and these are balloons. 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
    |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

    (Imagine: they are all the colors of the rainbow).

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  10. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM! YOU ARE SPECIAL! YOU ARE LOVED! ((((HUGS)))
    | |
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    I hope and pray that you and your children can reignite your relationship and become close as you hope. The best part is, you and they, are still alive so it’s not too late! Are you able to tell them, or write them a letter and let them know how you feel? Maybe they really want that too but don’t know how to make it happen? Think about the possibilities and not the impossibilities. I’m sure they love you and maybe they are just afraid of showing it or not knowing how to show it??? I don’t think that children, no matter how old they are, doesn’t want to know how very much they are loved by their mother. My prayers are on this Kim and with God, all things are possible! Happy Happy Birthday! I am so happy to have found you as my friend. 🙂

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  11. Self-love is one important criteria for us to keep moving on in life, my friend!!

    Happy Birthday and best wishes to you in everything you do.

    Take care, be well and happy always~ Cheers!! 😀

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  12. Well I am happy you entered this plane of existence. You add to the collective consciousness. I find your words nice and from the heart.. Happy Birthday!!!!

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