The Will to Be Joyful

I haven’t had any idea what to blog for a couple of days now. I am trying not to let myself get down. It seems this holiday is always the toughest for me. I know I’ve posted the “positives” of poverty at this time of year, and I DO honestly feel that way, most of the time. But, there are moments when this time of year just puts a magnifying glass to the lack.

I am very grateful that the rent and electric are paid, good things. I am hoping that hubby is not home for the entire holiday, as that would mean no paycheck next week. I can make the $190 last for two weeks if I’m careful, and I’m good at that, for which I am grateful also. I did feel a little bad when he wanted to buy me a present this week, and I had to tell him it wasn’t possible. I honestly don’t need anything, well, not for myself anyway. I tried raising money for the new tires I so desperately need for my car, but I didn’t raise a dime, not a big deal really. “it can wait”…that is my patent phrase lately.

December is a rough month. I lost both of my parents at this time of year, Mom on the 4th, and Daddy on the 18, my birthday sandwiched between them. My brother’s birthday was on the 19, but he has stage 4 prostate cancer, and is refusing treatment. Instead he is drinking himself to death. Nothing I have any control over…I can’t help him, he has to want to help himself, and he’s 1200 miles away, as are my kids and grandchildren.

Ugh. I’ve tried so hard to always post “upbeat” stuff on here, but I don’t feel “up” today. Sorry. I guess I just needed to vent a little. I know that there are people so much worse off…I used to be one of them. I will get up now and find all that I am grateful for…and find my joy in this day, and something more positive to write about, but…”it can wait”. Love and hugs all!

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26 comments on “The Will to Be Joyful

  1. Give yourself permission to grieve and feel down this holiday season. It’s okay. And those of us who love your blog truly understand your venting. One day at a time you’ll get through the season. Enjoy the up times and know that the down times will be there but won’t stay forever. You are in my prayers.

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  2. I’m not a person who usually prays. However, I will be saying a prayer for you. It won’t be because it’s Christmas though. It’ll be because you deserve to have a cushion to rely on and that is what I most want you to have. May the angels always be with you, Kim

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    • I have wanted to Mark, but not sure how to go about it..especially when I never have the money to even get prints of them. I wanted to get an online storefront going. I even go my own domain name already, but no chance to pay the start up, which actually isn’t much. It will “just have to wait”.

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      • Photographers out there who read Kim’s blog, and I know you are many: Can you help her by telling her how you got started selling your work? We know she takes beautiful pictures. She ought to be able to do more with them.

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  3. Growing up were always lean times (not in a good way) and I remember my mother baking cakes and having me and my sister and brothers go around the neighborhood to sell them. My life has always been about struggling from one pay day to another. However, doesn’t it make us ever so much more grateful for what we do have? Merry Christmas Kim! ((Hugs))

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  4. Starting with Thanksgiving the holiday season is hard on me too. I lost both my parents right before turkey day 3 years ago. My children live in other states. I have siblings I have little in common with. I’ll spend a few hours on Christmas with them. The holidays just depress me now.

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  5. I think we should all allow ourselves to vent a bit. There is always going to be someone worse off out there. Knowing that, will not make your bad days any better. And by not venting you’re bottling it all up for an unscheduled explosion. Vent away, I say!

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    • I know Rose..One of my issues to work on for the new year…not apologizing constantly for how I feel. People tend to look to me for inspiration and expect me to be “up”…so I feel badly when I don’t give them that. Plus I hate to show my down side.

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      • Inspiration comes from perseverance through adversity. Adversity causes angst, even when it is persevered through. I think those people you believe count on you to be an inspiration are interested to hear that you struggle sometimes, too.

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