“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”…
Everyone says that I can’t give up hope, I even tell myself this countless times a day. Unable to eat, my insides shaking constantly like the last dead leaf, grasping a tree limb in the wind. Nightmares replacing dreams, abused animals, abused babies, drug addicts, rapists…they all have the same common denominator…I have no control, I can’t help or save any of them. I wake..not relieved…still shaking.
I am the them. Going on week three of no work, no income. Wondering if I should start packing our stuff, use the last bit of money, given to us by a friend, to rent a storage unit…or, should I just leave it all, put the most important things in the car, leaving room for two people and two dogs. This is my mind..running, running, heart pounding…no answers, so solution. Doctor won’t call in my anxiety med because I didn’t pay them, not that it would change anything, but maybe I could breathe.
Think of all the people, all over the world, who are worse off than I am, the starving, the tortured, …it doesn’t help much…I try gratitude, but fear is present in every breath.
Homeless is scary, un-anchored, lost, nowhere…no one sees you. Where to sleep, don’t drive too much…no gas…find a “safe” place to park at night…can we eat? Can we feed the dogs? The worse nightmare is the one I am in when I wake. I no longer feel hunger, I just want to sleep..escape this somehow…how?
Enough said. Thanks for listening.