What do you write when all that you are thinking are words you don’t want to speak out loud? How do you voice the time spent deciding between paying the bills and buying food? Or how the new spot you found on your chest looks exactly like the last time…when you had skin cancer. You know you won’t go to the doctor..You waited more than a year the last time anyway, right?
You don’t call anyone to chat because all that your thoughts contain is not something you want to share. Misery does not always love company. You watch PBS. You see those who truly have nothing, as you sit on your bed, inside a home, not a tent or worse. You find your blessings in watching the extreme poverty that makes you seem wealthy in comparison. You find the tiniest of things to be grateful for…and YOU are grateful.
Don’t stop long enough to remember that you are a month behind on rent, that so far the landlord has not said anything, Don’t stop playing endless games of solitaire on the computer, mindless hours, so the thoughts don’t come in and bother you once again. Keep smiling, even when it hurts. So many have it so much worse. Does their misery make you feel better in comparing?? Sometimes.
I mean, you don’t want anyone to know that you might be feeling sorry for yourself. It would not be cool. They would think you selfish. Focus on others. Find a way to reach out to someone in a more dire situation. Don’t think about the spot on your chest. You are find. It is all okay. Stay in the moment. Pray. Believe. Trust.
Where did your appetite go? You know you should be hungry by now, but the thought of eating makes you feel ill. You will force yourself to try later….later. Oh, how you long to lay down for another nap, another escape. You are tired all the time. Muscles ache from disuse. You know it’s not good…You should get up and function…but you don’t.
It will all work out. Nothing is really wrong. Right?