What Do You Write, When You Don’t Dare Speak?

What do you write when all that you are thinking are words you don’t want to speak out loud? How do you voice the time spent deciding between paying the bills and buying food? Or how the new spot you found on your chest looks exactly like the last time…when you had skin cancer. You know you won’t go to the doctor..You waited more than a year the last time anyway, right?

You don’t call anyone to chat because all that your thoughts contain is not something you want to share. Misery does not always love company. You watch PBS. You see those who truly have nothing, as you sit on your bed, inside a home, not a tent or worse. You find your blessings in watching the extreme poverty that makes you seem wealthy in comparison. You find the tiniest of things to be grateful for…and YOU are grateful.

Don’t stop long enough to remember that you are a month behind on rent, that so far the landlord has not said anything, Don’t stop playing endless games of solitaire on the computer, mindless hours, so the thoughts don’t come in and bother you once again. Keep smiling, even when it hurts. So many have it so much worse. Does their misery make you feel better in comparing?? Sometimes.

I mean, you don’t want anyone to know that you might be feeling sorry for yourself. It would not be cool. They would think you selfish. Focus on others. Find a way to reach out to someone in a more dire situation. Don’t think about the spot on your chest. You are find. It is all okay. Stay in the moment. Pray. Believe. Trust.

Where did your appetite go? You know you should be hungry by now, but the thought of eating makes you feel ill. You will force yourself to try later….later. Oh, how you long to lay down for another nap, another escape. You are tired all the time. Muscles ache from disuse. You know it’s not good…You should get up and function…but you don’t.

It will all work out. Nothing is really wrong. Right?

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16 comments on “What Do You Write, When You Don’t Dare Speak?

  1. Hi, I read your post on “Let Me Reach”. My husband is the exact
    Same way. He only mirrors me. I’m very hopeless right now. I’ve
    Only just recently figured out that he is a narc and I just can’t
    Wrap my head around this whole situation. I just wanted you to
    Know that helping me realize that yes these actions are narc
    Play book action is the reason “why am I telling you all this.”
    Thanks, I’ll keep checking in on your blog. Terry

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  2. This precisely what a blog is for; this is your safe place to put your thoughts, your feelings, your anything in and if you don’t want to hear any feed back because for any reason, turn off the comments. Your blog is your own for you and no one else if you want it that way. Everyone needs and deserves a safe place to park their burdens; a blog should be a safe place to do so. Hugs 🙂

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  3. Life does get hard. Hang in there. Things change. Is it nice enough to go outside for a walk? Being outside often cheers me up and distracts me. It helps me escape the thought loops in my mind.

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  4. I’ve felt sorry for myself hundreds of times – and been depressed, etc. No one knows what is going to happen. You are looking at challenges that you can see . . . others think everything looks fine and the next day brings sudden calamity. You WILL turn the corner, and whatever lies around that bend in the road you will deal with it, from scratch, with the new “facts” that you possess. Some of your friends here have offered some great suggestions – I hope that you act on them as you can. The worse that can happen is a “no,” and you are already living with the idea of “no” anyway, so you have nothing to lose. Go for it. I still believe . . .

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  5. Wrong and you write here where you are loved, cared about, accepted and understood.
    Stuffing it all will make it worse and Ty for sharing this with us so we can pray and send good vibes and love your way.

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    • I can’t go Mark..no insurance and no money means no medical care. This is why I waited so long the last time. A month ago my primary care doc refused to see me because I couldn’t pay them $100. I can’t even imagine what a biopsy, diagnostics and lab would cost. I haven’t even paid them for when I had cancer two years ago.

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      • Please write a letter directly to the oncologist. Google. Find her/his home address. State plainly what you fear and your money problems. Isn’t this what they took an oath to do, cure the ill?

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