I’ve been debating a post for weeks now, as I don’t feel I have anything to say. I am determined to write positively and be an uplifting soul to those who bother to read this little space, but I feel if I wait for those uplifting posts to come to me we will all be waiting a long time.
I lost my appetite about two months ago. At first I thought it was from the severe anxiety attacks I had been experiencing, but now that those have lessened…well, honestly, I don’t know what it wrong. I force myself to eat to keep my strength up, some days I manage well, others…not so much.
I sleep like a fairy tale princess…lost in dreams I don’t wish to wake from. I don’t feel particularly depressed about anything, but my life here has so little to offer at the moment that the dreams are so much more fun. I sometimes sleep for 12 hours straight! I try to get out of bed when I wake, but there is so little that changes from day to day…feed the dogs, make tea, sit here at this table and spend my day playing games on the computer..alone…always alone. It is just so easy to stay in bed and sleep.
There is not any money to do anything or to go anywhere, I have to save what gas I have in the car to do errands, pay bills.
My poor dogs have fleas, and I have been battling with baths and vacuuming to try and beat them. I am hoping after paying rent this week that there is money left for some flea treatment for them. I feel like a horrible pet parent.
I want to reach out more…to call my sister or a friend, but I feel like there is nothing to say…and so, this blog has suffered as well.
Every night I make promises to myself…I will get up early tomorrow. I will write. I will get out and take some photos. Then…the morning comes and I face another day that reminds me of a really bad remake of “Groundhog Day”…and I lapse into my sleeping coma…awaken late into the afternoon, and berate myself for being “lazy”, for not doing what I promised myself I would.
Are we there yet?
I’m thinking if all else fails…maybe I should just post some pics of this little life I have here. This little shack we call home, the dogs, the overgrown yard that I keep badgering hubby about getting cleaned up, and yet, I have no inclination to do myself.
Why do I feel the need to apologize to all of you? Probably because I don’t like negativity in anyone…least of all myself. I will smile, dance to the silly songs on the radio…make myself eat something and try to be cheery when hubby comes in the door.
It is extremely hot today, and I finally put the AC on….On I go! Love, hugs and peace my dear friends.