Shall I Write?

I’ve been debating a post for weeks now, as I don’t feel I have anything to say. I am determined to write positively and be an uplifting soul to those who bother to read this little space, but I feel if I wait for those uplifting posts to come to me we will all be waiting a long time.

I lost my appetite about two months ago. At first I thought it was from the severe anxiety attacks I had been experiencing, but now that those have lessened…well, honestly, I don’t know what it wrong. I force myself to eat to keep my strength up, some days I manage well, others…not so much.

I sleep like a fairy tale princess…lost in dreams I don’t wish to wake from. I don’t feel particularly depressed about anything, but my life here has so little to offer at the moment that the dreams are so much more fun. I sometimes sleep for 12 hours straight! I try to get out of bed when I wake, but there is so little that changes from day to day…feed the dogs, make tea, sit here at this table and spend my day playing games on the computer..alone…always alone. It is just so easy to stay in bed and sleep.

There is not any money to do anything or to go anywhere, I have to save what gas I have in the car to do errands, pay bills.

My poor dogs have fleas, and I have been battling with baths and vacuuming to try and beat them. I am hoping after paying rent this week that there is money left for some flea treatment for them. I feel like a horrible pet parent.

I want to reach out more…to call my sister or a friend, but I feel like there is nothing to say…and so, this blog has suffered as well.

Every night I make promises to myself…I will get up early tomorrow. I will write. I will get out and take some photos. Then…the morning comes and I face another day that reminds me of a really bad remake of “Groundhog Day”…and I lapse into my sleeping coma…awaken late into the afternoon, and berate myself for being “lazy”, for not doing what I promised myself I would.

Are we there yet?

I’m thinking if all else fails…maybe I should just post some pics of this little life I have here. This little shack we call home, the dogs, the overgrown yard that I keep badgering hubby about getting cleaned up, and yet, I have no inclination to do myself.

Why do I feel the need to apologize to all of you? Probably because I don’t like negativity in anyone…least of all myself. I will smile, dance to the silly songs on the radio…make myself eat something and try to be cheery when hubby comes in the door.
It is extremely hot today, and I finally put the AC on….On I go! Love, hugs and peace my dear friends.

Sunset Bird

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23 comments on “Shall I Write?

  1. Hi Kim, sorry I haven’t been commenting for ages – but I have been thinking about you. It’s tough to have no spare money – loads of things we do as a pick me up need a bit of cash. So don’t be hard on yourself.
    I guess mark’s comment has a lot going for it – find a walk you can do that’s outside your front door and take a photo to post.

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    • Thanks Rachel…No need to apologize, I haven’t been keeping up very well with my friends. I am doing okay..I went out and took some sunrise photos this morning! Hugs, peace and love…

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  2. You’re right — if you’re positive and sunshiny all the time, you might not blog very often. You might not have anything to “say.” Isn’t this blog about you? About your life? About what you are going through? Write it, girl.

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      • And you know I love you, too, Miss Kim! I miss seeing your daily posts and I would rather you post every day and be “real” than post once a month and be apologizing for not being more light-hearted. You’ve got stuff to say — just don’t censor yourself! Much ❤ and ((hugs!!)) your way!

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  3. Baby steps hun. Take one step at a time to work through this depression. Right now the joy is gone but it is out there waiting for you. You’re not alone in this although it probably feels like it.
    Email me if you want. I’ll be a support buddy.

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    • Thank you Suz…I know I’ll get through this. And to be honest? I’m not truly unhappy…more just bored with the routine, and not making enough effort to change it I guess. I am truly blessed for your support.

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    • Suzanne, you’re terrific for reaching out. BRAVO!

      Kim, all of my depression, which really isn’t much, is all connected to the anxiety disorder. From what you have written, I’d say you have major clinical depression. I’m worried about you. I believe you really need to address this professionally. ❤ ❤

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  4. I am sad for you, Kim. Your depression about the present is robbing you of all joy and motivation, it seems. One, I am glad to see this post to know that you are alive. Two, please take a walk. That is free. xxoo Mark

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