Two weeks today since my life as I knew it just disappeared. On one hand it feels like yesterday, but then the physical and mental exhaustion makes it seem like I’ve been “surviving” for a month.
My worst break-downs so far have been when thinking of my poor dogs. You see, I have a human understanding of what is going on, and as bad as the reality is, I know what happened, but when I allow my mind to wander to Cody and Casey, my heart literally aches for them. All they know is that one day they were home and the next they were in a scary, loud, strange place, and that I just left them there. Sigh…I can’t even write about it…I just can’t.
I am sitting here in the motel at almost 4am, and feeling more alone than ever before. Even in the worst parts of my marriage, when he and I sat in different rooms, I knew there was someone there, even the dogs gave me comfort…now, it is just me.
My kids have not called in the two weeks since this happened, and I guess I’m not as surprised as I am hurt. I know I wasn’t a good mother to them, even though I thought I was, but it hurts to think that my well-being doesn’t matter to them. I feel the same about my two brothers and my sister, yes, I have talked to two of them, but I still have no place of refuge, no place of safety to start to rebuild my life. It is just me…alone. I even got desperate enough to call hubby’s phone yesterday, to ask him a computer question…he has blocked me from his phone. Since he left two weeks ago, he has not tried to contact me even once…He doesn’t even know if I am well or safe.
I have to just come to realize that I am on my own, again…still. I have been taking care of myself since I was 10 years old, I guess I should be used to it by now, but there is a part of me, that little girl, that still longs for someone to care for her, to TAKE care of her, to keep her safe.
Right now…I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone to hold me. I saw my friends S & F the other day…the only true friends I have here, and when S gave me a hug I just lost it…I sobbed on her shoulder for a good 5 minutes, the first time I let my “wall” down. I had to put it back up, I have to stay strong. On my own. No hubby, no kids, no family, no dogs…I must take God’s hand and KNOW the He will never leave me nor forsake me.
I am so beyond grateful for all that have helped me…financially, spiritually, and with kind words of caring these past 14 days. I wish there were more words to describe “grateful”. I have raised my fundraising amount, not out of greed, but just for the fact that I have not found a job. I go tomorrow to turn in my housing application and to apply for food stamps, and will spend the rest of the day trying to put in job applications. The internet here stinks…I was halfway through a job assessment yesterday when it went down. I may have to go the library to complete most of them. Just another challenge.
I wish at this point that I could end this post on an upbeat, “I’m going to make it” note, but alas, I’m not right there at the moment. I keep repeating my mantra…”I’ll be okay”. It is very sad and shocking to realize that after 53 years on this Earth…I belong nowhere.
I need to stop scrolling through my photographs…I never realized how may photos I took of my two pups…My heart actually hurts.