I am so grateful for where I am in my life now. However, it’s only been three months since I lost the life I’d known for so long. The marriage had to end, this I know. Neither of us had been happy for so long. There wasn’t much left to grieve there…except for what might have been.
It’s the days and moments when my mind remembers an object I forgot in my haste before the eviction…the books, the trinkets, the Christmas ornament I made when I was 8 years old that make it difficult. There isn’t very much pain in these thoughts, they are just things, and…I am healing.
The one area I can’t seem to get past is the loss of my dogs…Yes, Cody was rescued from the shelter and is now with my ex…not my ideal situation, but at least I know he is loved and cared for by someone he knows.
I try desperately not to think of my dear Casey girl, but there isn’t a day when I don’t grieve, when I don’t pass her photo on Facebook or here, and my chest gets tight, the tears well up…and oh my gosh, the pain is horrible. I am glad that she is no longer in danger of being put down, and that the Humane Society is a better facility than the county shelter…but…I want her HERE with me! I want her to be held, and pet, and played with. I want to feel her lick my face. I dream often of walking the aisle of the shelter, calling her name and hearing her sweet bark of joy to know that “mommy” has come back to get her. I can’t describe the pain…and God knows I have tried to NOT look at her photos, NOT go to the Humane Society page once more to see if she’s been adopted, but it’s like a bad bruise, this pain. You know it will hurt, you know it will crush you, but you push on it anyway. This heartache….it has not gotten any easier…it is not any lighter. She deserves to have a home…just like I do now. How long will I grieve this loss? How long will it take for me to finally give up hope of ever having her with me again? I don’t know. It feels like it will never stop.
I pray she is at least happy…well fed…and maybe, if dogs think this way…I pray she hasn’t given up hope either. Shit. And the tears fall.