No Longer Homeless, Yet Still in Limbo…

My gosh…I have wanted to write forever now, but didn’t know what I wanted to say.

As I lie in my bed tonight, the cool, rainy night air caressing my face through the open window, I suddenly knew…I knew how to say what I have been feeling. “Lost” didn’t sound right, but then I thought “Limbo”…yeah, “…transitional, a midway state or place”.

You see, I love that I have a new home. I love that I am safe and fed. I take nothing for granted…it is all a blessing. But, as Christmas approaches, as I still struggle to find a job…a steady income…I find myself adrift. Part of me looks back and realizes that for the past fifteen years…I had someone in my life. Even through the loneliest times in my marriage…there was still someone “there”.  I know that being alone and lonely is far less painful than being lonely with someone…but, it is still hard to adjust. This will be the first Christmas without him…without my dogs, and…though I don’t want my old life back…it’s a strange feeling.

Knowing  that I don’t want what is now behind me, and thankful that the pain is finally lessening…I look ahead, and it is all so open, so empty…it’s awesome and scary at the same time. Does that make sense? Hell, I don’t care…that is the only way I know to say it.

I am mostly happy now…and as I said, so grateful for the way things are going, but I wonder…what will it feel like Christmas morning? My previous family, (him and the dogs), is just a memory. My daughters and grandchildren are 1200 miles away, my son, 3000 miles away, my new friends will all be spending the holidays with their families. My parents, grandparents…all gone. I watch all the Christmas shows alone this year.  I see all the commercials and hate that I am still too poor to buy gifts, and knowing I won’t receive any either. Not really a big deal…I’m not wanting for anything, but it’s the feeling of it all that I long for …I want “normal” I want celebration. I want a family to be with and presents to give…laughter and hugs, a big Holiday dinner…Damn, I knew I would cry if I wrote this down…if I let it out. Oh well, it is what it is.

I got a Christmas tree that someone here was throwing out…the fiber optics only work on part of it, but I like watching the light. I haven’t decorated it, except for one decoration that my granddaughter made. A neighbor gave me some decorations for it, but I’m afraid if I start to put them on…I will remember every single decoration that I left at the house…the ones I forgot in the back room, the ones I had no place for… that I couldn’t take with me when I became homeless.

The blue glass ball that I put my name on when I was eight years old, the little wooden popsicle stick sled my oldest girl made for me when she was just four, the carousel horse that my youngest gave me in 1993, when she was just nine. All the ornaments that he and I collected during our years together…a new one each year. I’ll try not to think of the video we made of our rescue dog’s first Christmas…How do I forget? Where do I put all of this now?

My birthday was on the 13th of this month too. Another day I had to face alone…There is a lot of learning to do here. Learning to be alone. I know it is all getting better, and that every day is a new start. The future is wide open and empty before me…I’m excited about it, and yes, scared too.

Okay…that’s it. That’s what I had to say, what I had to get put down on the page so I can move on. Sharing, writing, crying, storing away….this is how I will heal, a little at a time.

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Starting over can be wonderful…burying the past hurts.

I just had another thought…Maybe it is really just not knowing who I am now. For the first time in my life, I am not caring for someone else. I am no one’s wife, mother, rescuer, daughter…at least not in my daily life. I am learning how to be just “me”…Who am I without all the labels?

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25 comments on “No Longer Homeless, Yet Still in Limbo…

  1. Kim, I am late to this conversation but know that although I am not there to laugh, cry or spend time with you, I am just a keyboard keystroke away if you need me.
    I hope you found a special way to celebrate the day and that you found peace and joy. Blessings my dear.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just like Mark said, you are Kim. You are you. Who you are is not determined by anyone else or any situation. You are free to be just who you are. I know that this Christmas will not be an easy one, but one thing is for certain – you are not alone. I may be new to your blog, but I can honestly say that you have a very supportive community here, full of people who care. I do hope that you have a wonderful Christmas. Maybe you can make some new traditions now, things you’ve always wanted to do but never did/could.

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    • Thanks so much…you are so right about new traditions..my sister and I were just saying that today. I am learning so much about myself now…So strange at times to realize I only have to decide dinner for me lol…thanks for following and for your kind words…be blessed!

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  3. You are you, Kim, and you have to rediscover the fantastic in that. Or maybe even find the fabulous in that for the very first time. It’s going to be hard, but you’re not alone. Merry Christmas, my friend. Happy belated birthday. You were one day before mine, and I should have remembered that. Shame on me.

    Your new friends that you are making down there, the ones with people to spend the holiday with … YOU are people … they can make room for YOU on this day … don’t feel shy in letting somebody invite YOU to their table. Think about it. Open up to the new places and people a little more, maybe?

    Love from Mark and Karen in Syracuse, Kim.

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    • Thanks Mark…wishing you and Karen a joyous Christmas! Hey, no worries, I forgot your too…Happy birthday! My new friends here are all going out of town for the holidays, but I have decided to try and volunteer someplace on Christmas day…it’s time to reach out to others…take my mind of myself. It’s all good.

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  4. Starting over is hard. I did it 10 years ago. Ypu are strong. You can do this. The best is yet to come.
    Im starting over. Finally I am sitting in an RV in a park in the rain. It is weird. It is alone. It is strange. It is good. Christmas tree? Nope. Festive lights? Nope. Grinning from ear to ear about all the possibilities ahead? Yes!
    Happy birthday dear one! 🎂🎉
    Happy new life. Happy new beginnings. YAY! ❤️👍

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  5. You are in my thoughts. Learning about yourself and who you are is a great opportunity to figure out where the labels end and the person begins. Who are we when you peel the daughter, the wife, the mother away, I hope that you find out and then you start to build what you want for yourself. Hugs Kim 🙂

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  6. When everything is stripped away, burned away, your basic self will still be a thing of wonder. I have been right where you are now, albeit for different reasons. Aloneness is a new beginning, and the souls who will find their way to you are sure to fill your heart. Blessed Christmas, Kim. ❤

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    • Thanks hon, I know that you are right. For the most part I am loving “discovering” the new “me”…just tough mourning some of it still. Wishing you a blessed one too!

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