Net Worth, Self-Worth, Society Judges One by the Other…

Last night I put Penny in the car to run to the local convenience store to get a couple of snacks. I didn’t plan on begging, even though the night cashier there knows me, and has only warned me to avoid the cameras the few times I’ve been there for that reason.

As I walked in the store I held the door open for a cab driver with one leg. He smiled and said “thank you”. I finished getting my things, using what little food stamps I have left.(less than $20 until the 15th). As I walked out the cab driver was getting into his car, and for some reason, I ignored all the “rules” of begging and went and asked if he had a few dollars for me to get some smokes. I didn’t realize that his passenger was an employee of the store…She stepped right out of the cab, giving me a look like I was something she had just stepped in…”You can’t DO that here”…I just turned and walked away, my face red, the shame whelming up inside of me.

I came home and cried.

I don’t want to be like this.

I don’t want to have to ask others to keep helping me. My friend “D”…he pays my interned/cable every month, pays my car insurance, buys my shampoo, toilet paper and everything else that comes with everyday living. I hate asking him for money for smokes, he works hard for it and he doesn’t smoke. He also tells me every time I ask, that I have to quit. I love him for who he is and how he helps me, but I hate the lecture every time. So, I try to beg and panhandle for my cigs, and for whatever else I can get money for.

I hate the way people look at me when I am standing outside with my sign…I know what they are thinking. They don’t know that I have a mental illness. They don’t know that I have tried SO hard to be able to hold a job. They don’t know that I don’t want to be out there like that.

Then there are the ones who just look away, doing everything they can to not see me. I don’t blame them. I make them uncomfortable, angry, sad…whatever it is they feel/think.

I thought I would get up early today and head out with my sign. Maybe even make a new sign. But, I just can’t do it. My mind can’t do it. My body can’t do it. My pride can’t do it.

I am so sad. Everyone is celebrating with family or friends. Everyone is happy and grilling out, going to fireworks.

But, I know the truth. There are many people just like me who are just trying to survive. People who feel like shit every day…People who smile through it all…trying to hide the shame they feel. The shame they know their families feel about them…

We all know that society today is so materialistic, so driven by “what you have is what you are worth”.

Today, I feel like I am worth nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

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11 comments on “Net Worth, Self-Worth, Society Judges One by the Other…

  1. I watched some fireworks displays along a country road in Indiana. The road was my “home” today, and I don’t care who judges me on it. You will get out of this rut, because you have it in you, and it will find a way to get out and bring you up where you belong. Everyone has their own solution, and so no one can accurately judge another.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the encouragement and kind words. Some days it’s just hard to deal with where I am in my life. I try to look at all of the good, but yeah….even I “break” a little sometimes. Hugs

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  2. I’m sitting reading this and thinking ‘where does our sense of worth come from?’ and i hope mine doesn’t come from what I own but rather from a sense that I’m a child of God. He loves me – and i think he loves and cares about you too. Days like today – when everyone appears to be having a great family time are tough. But you aren’t alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I guess it’s just that I am alone almost every single day…I have no family here, and no real close friends. It has been just a tough day. When you have to beg like I do, it’s hard to keep your self-worth up high. I know I am God’s child, but it’s how people in society treat the poor that makes it hard to keep a good self-image.

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  3. Many people in this country spent today alone. I “celebrated” alone. I went somewhere. I took pictures. I was sitting on a bench and couldn’t help but over hear this lady talking on the phone. She was talking with her daughter. Among all the things I heard her say, I heard something like this. “I’m at the anvil shoot.” “Yes, I’m here by myself. No, I don’t expect you to come down here.” “I know you are busy cooking out with your friends.” “Maybe you can bring my granddaughter by to visit next weekend.” “Oh, you all ready have plans.”
    They talked some more.
    When she got off the phone I said “hi”. She smiled, got up, and walked to another bench. When I looked over a few minutes later she was wiping her eyes with a tissue.
    A lot of us get lonely on days like today. hugs

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Dear Kim, you are most certainly not nothing. You are a dear, dear precious woman. Easy to say, much more difficult to do, I know, especially when you’re down, but please try not to take on the burden of other people’s judgements. Folk will judge, no matter who we are and what we appear to be – that’s their problem, don’t pick it up as yours. Matthew 11:28. If you can, find Aaron Shust singing it on YouTube. Hugs from me and Missy to you and Penny x

    Liked by 3 people

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