Why Lying is So Easy Sometimes….Even When You Hate It

I truly detest lying. Not only am I really lousy at it (I have the opposite of a poker face), I am just a person who believes so strongly in integrity and honesty.

However, I lie a LOT lately.  When you suffer from a mental illness of any kind lying becomes habit. “I’m fine” comes out of your mouth constantly. Someone asks how you are and you smile and just say, “I’m fine, thanks”! You smile constantly when inside your mind you are screaming.

Why do we lie? Many reasons really. 

We don’t want to worry you. We don’t want people to think we are “crazy”. We don’t want to sound like we are just complaining or seeking attention. We don’t want you to stand there not knowing what to say. 

The worse part of sharing your mental illness with someone who is NOT mentally ill are when they reply with things like, “I know how you feel”, or worse, say things like, “Just think positive”, “You dwell too much on negative stuff”. 

Trying to explain “why” I feel the way I do when I am depressed, anxious or lately tortured by my ED is impossible.

I don’t even truly know why my eating disorder has recurred. That’s what the professionals are for…I want to know as much as anyone else why I am doing this to myself when for once in my life all feels right in my world.

This is the reason so many people with eating disorders hide it. It makes no sense to us or to anyone else and hearing the platitudes (even when said with good intentions), just makes us want to hide our disease even more. No one understands. So, I lie. 

I was talking to my SO about it last night because I have been trying so hard to figure out why now. I did come up with some fairly reasonable thoughts. Maybe with things going so well in my life I am just scared of being happy. Eh, maybe.

What really made sense to me was pointed out by one of my friends who also suffers from an ED.

Right now, even though my life is going well, it is all out of my control really.

My housing is based on my being in therapy, and following all the rules of housing. I never know when they might decide I have been here “too long” and need to leave, or if I slip up and then what? They are in charge of me having a place to live.

I am still waiting for approval for my SSI, so I have no income. The decision of whether I will have an income at some point is in THEIR hands. They need to decide if I am “sick enough”.  That’s another topic all together…Trying to prove how bad an invisible illness is.

Then there is my sweet, caring man who helps me with everything that Food stamps don’t pay for; Car insurance, cable, internet, toilet paper, shampoo, etc. etc. I was having to panhandle for all these things before. What if he decides that all of my “issues” are too much for him and just breaks it off with me? Where will I be then??

Broke and brokenhearted.

Anyway, when I was pointing all of this out to him last night on the phone he made the comment that “everyone” worries about those things. “Losing an income” etc. I told him “Yes, but most of them don’t suffer from a mental illness” My anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, ED, makes all of these worries a million times “bigger” than they are for the person who is not ill. His comment made me feel like he was minimizing my illness…comparing it to himself and others. So not cool. 

So, now I don’t want to talk to him or anyone about these things going on in my head.

So, I’ll just lie and say….”I’m fine”.

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Let’s Be The Miracle…Please Help My Friends

I have so much to be thankful for this year, and I plan on a “thankful” post soon. Today however, my heart is set on helping someone who is in great need. Jessie and Jose are two of the many new friends I have made this year. I am so blessed to know them…but, they are struggling. I have asked and received so much from all of you during my struggles this year…and I am eternally grateful. I am asking now that we help Jose to get the surgery he so desperately needs. One person can’t do much, but as you have shown me, many people doing just a little makes a huge difference. Please look into your hearts this season and let’s be the miracle for this dear friend. Donate and share this link…you won’t be sorry…because when you help others…YOU are so blessed. Love, hugs, and Peace..Kim

http://www.gofundme.com/hl68kw

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Sick? Broke? Go Home!

I started my busy Monday with a trip to my med doc at 10:30, which took way longer than it should have, of course. I then went and paid the electric bill, the water bill, and my car insurance. I came home long enough to change my clothes for my 2pm appointment with my primary care doc, a follow-up appointment after being in the ER. I walk into his office and am informed that if I don’t give them at least $100 today I can not see him. Really? I have less than $200 left for the week and haven’t bought food yet. (Sorry folks, I’m hooked on that eating thing). I offered to pay them $40 this week and they still said “No”. Hmm I guess if you are poor and sick, you just stay sick. Who cares right? And let’s not even get into the “You need to sign up for medical insurance on Healthcare.gov?” I can’t afford that either. Poverty sucks. I told hubby that if I die in the next week or two to just sue the hell out of them and please write on my tombstone, “I told them I was sick!”

Oh well…it is beautiful today, 80 degrees, sunny and breezy. I got all the bills paid for another month, and today..I feel okay. I won’t let anything steal my bliss…Time for some meditation…or a nap!

P.S. I forgot the BEST part! The receptionist told me that they weren’t even going to charge me for a “no show”! Isn’t that sweet of them?

Beautiful Skies and Warmth!

Beautiful Skies and Warmth!

Hopeful Healing

Hey ya’ll! I am healing and hoping to be up and “running” in a couple of days.

The surgery went well, though a little tougher than anticipated. I won’t scare you with all the intimate details, but let’s just say, the area where I had this procedure done makes it hard to sit for long, and I’m not good at typing on my side. (I can imagine what ya’ll are imagining right now) Let’s not go there.

The word you are looking for is…”aaaanywaaay”.

I am looking forward to getting out this next week and taking some new photographs. It has been way too long! I am also hoping that as I heal I will come up with a wonderful, exciting, intriguing blog post…okay, anything to blog about would be good at this point!

May I just gush over ya’ll once again? I am so touched and blessed to have found so many wonderful and caring folks here at wordpress. I never thought it would be this way here. I love you! Hugs, hugs, hugs!

Pier at Sunset

Pier at Sunset