Why Lying is So Easy Sometimes….Even When You Hate It

I truly detest lying. Not only am I really lousy at it (I have the opposite of a poker face), I am just a person who believes so strongly in integrity and honesty.

However, I lie a LOT lately.  When you suffer from a mental illness of any kind lying becomes habit. “I’m fine” comes out of your mouth constantly. Someone asks how you are and you smile and just say, “I’m fine, thanks”! You smile constantly when inside your mind you are screaming.

Why do we lie? Many reasons really. 

We don’t want to worry you. We don’t want people to think we are “crazy”. We don’t want to sound like we are just complaining or seeking attention. We don’t want you to stand there not knowing what to say. 

The worse part of sharing your mental illness with someone who is NOT mentally ill are when they reply with things like, “I know how you feel”, or worse, say things like, “Just think positive”, “You dwell too much on negative stuff”. 

Trying to explain “why” I feel the way I do when I am depressed, anxious or lately tortured by my ED is impossible.

I don’t even truly know why my eating disorder has recurred. That’s what the professionals are for…I want to know as much as anyone else why I am doing this to myself when for once in my life all feels right in my world.

This is the reason so many people with eating disorders hide it. It makes no sense to us or to anyone else and hearing the platitudes (even when said with good intentions), just makes us want to hide our disease even more. No one understands. So, I lie. 

I was talking to my SO about it last night because I have been trying so hard to figure out why now. I did come up with some fairly reasonable thoughts. Maybe with things going so well in my life I am just scared of being happy. Eh, maybe.

What really made sense to me was pointed out by one of my friends who also suffers from an ED.

Right now, even though my life is going well, it is all out of my control really.

My housing is based on my being in therapy, and following all the rules of housing. I never know when they might decide I have been here “too long” and need to leave, or if I slip up and then what? They are in charge of me having a place to live.

I am still waiting for approval for my SSI, so I have no income. The decision of whether I will have an income at some point is in THEIR hands. They need to decide if I am “sick enough”.  That’s another topic all together…Trying to prove how bad an invisible illness is.

Then there is my sweet, caring man who helps me with everything that Food stamps don’t pay for; Car insurance, cable, internet, toilet paper, shampoo, etc. etc. I was having to panhandle for all these things before. What if he decides that all of my “issues” are too much for him and just breaks it off with me? Where will I be then??

Broke and brokenhearted.

Anyway, when I was pointing all of this out to him last night on the phone he made the comment that “everyone” worries about those things. “Losing an income” etc. I told him “Yes, but most of them don’t suffer from a mental illness” My anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, ED, makes all of these worries a million times “bigger” than they are for the person who is not ill. His comment made me feel like he was minimizing my illness…comparing it to himself and others. So not cool. 

So, now I don’t want to talk to him or anyone about these things going on in my head.

So, I’ll just lie and say….”I’m fine”.

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A Little Bit of Catching Up…Procrastinating Done

Since I have been MIA for so long I am going to try to catch ya’ll up a bit.

I mentioned that I am in a loving relationship with an amazing man.

I could probably write a hundred ways that this relationship is different from any other I have had, but I won’t bore ya’ll that way. I will share one recent experience that will show the level of care and understanding I receive from this sweet guy.

Since Darrell and I met two years ago we have dated on and off. Off only because I was not really ready to begin anything serious, but we remained friends all along. Our feelings for each other continue to grow and we are closer than ever.

Anyway, I have been honest with him about my mental health issues since day one, my anxiety disorder, my depression and PTSD, OCD…you name it. (It’s like alphabet soup, right?)

About a month my eating disorder reared its ugly head for the first time in years. Being in recovery from anorexia is like a hibernating bear….asleep, but not dead. Well, someone poked it with a stick and it has come back mean as ever.

I was terrified to tell Darrell about it. For one, he knows enough about my mental health, and two, eating disorders are a very secret thing. Telling is not something that is easy to do, not even in therapy.

We were on the phone the other night when I started to tell him…then, well, I just couldn’t stop. I shared all the scary, nasty, nonsensical, crazy, illogical reality I have dealt with for the past few weeks.

I told him how it started with just wanting to lose some weight before Summer. I explained how it is with eating disorders, how it is so easy to cross the line from dieting to starving.

I thought for sure that this would be the last straw. That NOW he would go running. He didn’t.

Instead he called me from work later and told me how he was going online to find out more about anorexia. He said he didn’t understand it, but wanted to help me.

Even later that night, while he was still at work, he called again. He suggested I try to get back into some of the things I used to love…like my photography.

I was so touched and in awe of this man for thinking of me so much in the middle of his busy shift at work. I know that might sound strange, but any of you that know me know that I have never experienced what it’s like to be truly cared for…not like this. I couldn’t fathom that he had me on his mind that much and while at work, trying to figure out what to do for me.

The next day he took me to Walmart and let me pick out a really fantastic new camera!

Even though this gesture did not silence ED (eating disorder), it did give me something else to focus on (no pun intended) for the past few days. This camera is so intricate and has so many functions that I have actually only studied the manual, and some lessons online so far lol.

I am hoping to actually start taking photos with it today or tomorrow. I have not had much sleep, so probably tomorrow.

Thanks for listening to all of this rambling. I am so incredibly blessed by him…he warms my soul.

Beautiful live oak

Beautiful live oak

My Wall of Joy and Christmas Spirit…

I just took an updated photograph of my wall of birthday and Christmas cards.

It’s funny cause I felt kind of “needy” asking folks to send me cards, but I’m so glad that I didn’t let pride stand in my way. This month of rushing to check the mail, and then opening all of these beautiful cards and gifts has made me so happy, and left me feeling blessed. I have not received this many cards in the past decade, never mind in one December!!! I am beyond blessed…I am joyful…I feel the spirit I was searching for, and it’s all because of you.

Forgive me if I don’t than each of you individually, but they have been coming so fast. Just know that each and every one of them is very, very special to me…Thank you…Hugs and much love to ya’ll!

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How Penny Lane Came to Live with Me…

As I explained in my post titled Homeless to Helpless to feeling Hopeless…Survival is Exhausting.  Back in October I rescued a dog that I named, Penny Lane.

I had been deep in the throes of a very bad depression to the point of sitting one night and wondering if the railing on my balcony would hold my weight. I made it through…THAT night. I knew I was in a seriously dangerous episode of my disease, so I made the necessary visits to my therapists, used what coping tools and meds I could, but I still struggled to come up out of the pit.

Even though the housing program that I am in is wonderful, it does not allow pets. However, after doing some research online I found that I could apply through my therapist for an Emotional Service Animal. I jumped on it as fast as I could. My therapist knew that the loss of my dogs, and my being alone constantly was really making my life horrible, so she wrote a “prescription” for a therapy dog for me.

I was so excited that night! I poured over the Humane Society site, choosing which dogs I would go visit the following day. When I got to the humane society I asked to see the first dog I had chosen. He was cute, but had as many issues as I, and I was afraid I was not up to the challenge of helping him. I walked through the kennels again, passing by Penny’s cage for the second time, she stood and reached her paw out to me between the bars and kissed my finger.

I asked if I could take her to the social room to see if she and I were compatible. Well, I never made it to the room with her. As soon as I held her I knew…I just KNEW that she was MY dog, and I was her “Mama”.

She had been brought in as an abuse/neglect case, and had spent most of her young life in a cage, but that didn’t stop me from loving her at first snuggle. I signed the papers and brought her home. It has taken a lot of work to get her to where she is now. At first she was understandably afraid of everything and everyone..except me lol. I took her out to crowded places, and had strangers hand her treats. I spoiled her with treats and a soft bed, and toys, and a ton of hugs and kisses. I taught her that humans can be good, and that love is possible, that life is amazing. And she taught me the same.

She is a totally different dog now. She still doesn’t really like men, and she has an aversion to baseball caps, but otherwise, you would never know she had such a rough start in life. She has also made my life so much better. She gave me company. She gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Most importantly she made me feel loved and needed. I’m not sure who save who…but, we are both blessed indeed.

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No Looking Back…A New Year…

I’ve pondered this post all morning. I have read many posts reflecting on and reviewing the past year (looking back), and many more on looking forward, people making resolutions and plans for the new year.

Looking back, or reviewing my past year, well, let’s admit, it wouldn’t be pleasant. I am only going to take the wisdom I gathered from that time, tuck it into my heart and carry it with me. Looking forward is wonderful, though I think that resolutions are just an unnecessary  pressure we put on ourselves. I’m not against planning on making improvements to ourselves or aiming for accomplishments, but the greatest gift I received from this past year, was a new way of looking at “time”. Time is an illusion…but, that is another post.

Whether we spend time reviewing the past year or planning for the coming year…we are using up the most precious moments of “now”.  Yesterday is done, tomorrow not promised. So, I will not look backward nor forward today…I will only look around me. THIS is the moment I have to spend…right now. I don’t want to lose it by pondering any other.

Wishing you all a wonderful, exciting and prosperous New Year…but don’t forget to just “be” in this day. The rest will come (hopefully), whether we plan it or not.

A photo I took while enjoying my tea this morning, and once again feeling so incredibly blessed with my life…

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Let’s Be The Miracle…Please Help My Friends

I have so much to be thankful for this year, and I plan on a “thankful” post soon. Today however, my heart is set on helping someone who is in great need. Jessie and Jose are two of the many new friends I have made this year. I am so blessed to know them…but, they are struggling. I have asked and received so much from all of you during my struggles this year…and I am eternally grateful. I am asking now that we help Jose to get the surgery he so desperately needs. One person can’t do much, but as you have shown me, many people doing just a little makes a huge difference. Please look into your hearts this season and let’s be the miracle for this dear friend. Donate and share this link…you won’t be sorry…because when you help others…YOU are so blessed. Love, hugs, and Peace..Kim

http://www.gofundme.com/hl68kw

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Homeless Day 16…A Love Letter to My Dogs…

Though I know you will never see this, I must find a way to release all I feel in my heart for you…my sweet dogs.

I don’t know why my feelings of loss and pain for you both come on so strongly at night, maybe it’s because my mind is so focused on trying to survive during the day…though, a moment of the day does not pass without you both in it. I wish there was a way to tell you, to make you understand all that has happened to you. I also wish will all of my heart, that I could have found a way to keep you both with me forever…as I promised you when I brought you home. Mommy’s heart hurts with missing you!

My little Cody…You were so tiny the day we brought you home from the backyard breeders.  It was Christmas Eve. You were covered with fleas. They looked so big on your little body. You gave us so many smiles on the ride home and every day since then. Even your stubbornness is something I will always admire. That last day we had together you were such a sweet boy, kissing Mama’s tears away.

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Casey Anne…When I saw you that day in the kennel of the adoption van, I had no doubt that you would come and join our family. You were shaking and timid. I don’t blame you, you had such a rough start in life. I still can’t understand how anyone could have treated you that way. I hope that I taught you that there is love in the world, and that not all humans are bad. I showed you that you can trust, and that you can have food and hugs….always.

Day One in her new home!

Day One in her new home!

You and Cody became the best of friends on that first day, even though he was a bit pushy.

Cody's new friend Casey!

Cody’s new friend Casey!

You are both such amazing babies, and I can only pray every day that we can be together again. But, you see…I don’t have a home right now, not even for me. I know that God knows my heart, and how much I want to come and get you from that cage in the shelter. Every night I dream of them opening that door, and seeing you both run to me and climb on me as we all cry with joy…oh, how I wish I could hold you both right now…I want you here with me, knowing how much I love you and how much I wish that this had not happened to us all. Life isn’t always fair my dear pups, and I hope I gave you enough love while we had time. Be good puppies okay? If I can’t come to get you, I want you to be loved and cared for by some really good family. Casey…show them how you cover your ears when they say you are cute…and Cody, show them how well you sit, and put your blankie in the kennel…Sit nice and no bity…okay guys?

Mommy loves you so much…I hope somehow you know this, and don’t be sad okay? I’m sad enough for all of us. Be happy dogs…someday soon you will go home, you will be outside again, running free, playing and chasing squirrels. I pray it will be with me, but if it is not…just be happy. I love you so much.

"I love them"

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I AM SO SORRY!

I will love you forever.

Please Help a Stranger and Her Dogs…

I found this cry for help on my facebook. She is a woman who has rescued dogs and now may lose them by becoming homeless. I don’t know her personally, but does that matter? She is a human with a heart and needs some help. Even if you are unable to donate, please share her plight! Thanks

(The photo is of my two rescues, Cody and Casey)

http://www.gofundme.com/helpmekeepmydogs

"I love them"

When You Are Old…William Butler Yeats

 
When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
 
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Day Off

This is one blog I NEVER miss…I love sitting with my cup of tea and reading about Celi’s life on the farm….so cool.

thekitchensgarden

Morning darlings. chaos1-015

I have discovered that if I sing the score of The Sound of Music, Daisy stands quietly to be milked. Apparently she is tired of Oklahoma and South Pacific! Ah well.  One does what one must. chaos1-005

Unless something very exciting happens,  that I desperately need to tell you, I am going to take tomorrow off and focus on the gardens and the writing.

I hope you have a lovely day too.

Your friend on the farmy

celi

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