Why Lying is So Easy Sometimes….Even When You Hate It

I truly detest lying. Not only am I really lousy at it (I have the opposite of a poker face), I am just a person who believes so strongly in integrity and honesty.

However, I lie a LOT lately.  When you suffer from a mental illness of any kind lying becomes habit. “I’m fine” comes out of your mouth constantly. Someone asks how you are and you smile and just say, “I’m fine, thanks”! You smile constantly when inside your mind you are screaming.

Why do we lie? Many reasons really. 

We don’t want to worry you. We don’t want people to think we are “crazy”. We don’t want to sound like we are just complaining or seeking attention. We don’t want you to stand there not knowing what to say. 

The worse part of sharing your mental illness with someone who is NOT mentally ill are when they reply with things like, “I know how you feel”, or worse, say things like, “Just think positive”, “You dwell too much on negative stuff”. 

Trying to explain “why” I feel the way I do when I am depressed, anxious or lately tortured by my ED is impossible.

I don’t even truly know why my eating disorder has recurred. That’s what the professionals are for…I want to know as much as anyone else why I am doing this to myself when for once in my life all feels right in my world.

This is the reason so many people with eating disorders hide it. It makes no sense to us or to anyone else and hearing the platitudes (even when said with good intentions), just makes us want to hide our disease even more. No one understands. So, I lie. 

I was talking to my SO about it last night because I have been trying so hard to figure out why now. I did come up with some fairly reasonable thoughts. Maybe with things going so well in my life I am just scared of being happy. Eh, maybe.

What really made sense to me was pointed out by one of my friends who also suffers from an ED.

Right now, even though my life is going well, it is all out of my control really.

My housing is based on my being in therapy, and following all the rules of housing. I never know when they might decide I have been here “too long” and need to leave, or if I slip up and then what? They are in charge of me having a place to live.

I am still waiting for approval for my SSI, so I have no income. The decision of whether I will have an income at some point is in THEIR hands. They need to decide if I am “sick enough”.  That’s another topic all together…Trying to prove how bad an invisible illness is.

Then there is my sweet, caring man who helps me with everything that Food stamps don’t pay for; Car insurance, cable, internet, toilet paper, shampoo, etc. etc. I was having to panhandle for all these things before. What if he decides that all of my “issues” are too much for him and just breaks it off with me? Where will I be then??

Broke and brokenhearted.

Anyway, when I was pointing all of this out to him last night on the phone he made the comment that “everyone” worries about those things. “Losing an income” etc. I told him “Yes, but most of them don’t suffer from a mental illness” My anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, ED, makes all of these worries a million times “bigger” than they are for the person who is not ill. His comment made me feel like he was minimizing my illness…comparing it to himself and others. So not cool. 

So, now I don’t want to talk to him or anyone about these things going on in my head.

So, I’ll just lie and say….”I’m fine”.

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A Little Bit of Catching Up…Procrastinating Done

Since I have been MIA for so long I am going to try to catch ya’ll up a bit.

I mentioned that I am in a loving relationship with an amazing man.

I could probably write a hundred ways that this relationship is different from any other I have had, but I won’t bore ya’ll that way. I will share one recent experience that will show the level of care and understanding I receive from this sweet guy.

Since Darrell and I met two years ago we have dated on and off. Off only because I was not really ready to begin anything serious, but we remained friends all along. Our feelings for each other continue to grow and we are closer than ever.

Anyway, I have been honest with him about my mental health issues since day one, my anxiety disorder, my depression and PTSD, OCD…you name it. (It’s like alphabet soup, right?)

About a month my eating disorder reared its ugly head for the first time in years. Being in recovery from anorexia is like a hibernating bear….asleep, but not dead. Well, someone poked it with a stick and it has come back mean as ever.

I was terrified to tell Darrell about it. For one, he knows enough about my mental health, and two, eating disorders are a very secret thing. Telling is not something that is easy to do, not even in therapy.

We were on the phone the other night when I started to tell him…then, well, I just couldn’t stop. I shared all the scary, nasty, nonsensical, crazy, illogical reality I have dealt with for the past few weeks.

I told him how it started with just wanting to lose some weight before Summer. I explained how it is with eating disorders, how it is so easy to cross the line from dieting to starving.

I thought for sure that this would be the last straw. That NOW he would go running. He didn’t.

Instead he called me from work later and told me how he was going online to find out more about anorexia. He said he didn’t understand it, but wanted to help me.

Even later that night, while he was still at work, he called again. He suggested I try to get back into some of the things I used to love…like my photography.

I was so touched and in awe of this man for thinking of me so much in the middle of his busy shift at work. I know that might sound strange, but any of you that know me know that I have never experienced what it’s like to be truly cared for…not like this. I couldn’t fathom that he had me on his mind that much and while at work, trying to figure out what to do for me.

The next day he took me to Walmart and let me pick out a really fantastic new camera!

Even though this gesture did not silence ED (eating disorder), it did give me something else to focus on (no pun intended) for the past few days. This camera is so intricate and has so many functions that I have actually only studied the manual, and some lessons online so far lol.

I am hoping to actually start taking photos with it today or tomorrow. I have not had much sleep, so probably tomorrow.

Thanks for listening to all of this rambling. I am so incredibly blessed by him…he warms my soul.

Beautiful live oak

Beautiful live oak

Cleaning House

I am cleaning house today.

No, not my home, which could use a day of cleaning, but I’m referring to myself.

I am cleaning out the “junk” inside of me and outside of me. This included deactivating my Facebook account. It will only be activated once a week or so to check on my kids and a couple of good friends. I originally signed up for it to stay connected with my kids, and then it went the usual route. Connecting with old friends, people who I thought were friends, old classmates etc. Then it was on to Facebook games, oh such a waste of time. Lately I find when logging on there, that it is just so much junk. The same posts over and over, the same drama, the same whiners. Yes, there are family members and friends I want to stay connected with, but it will have to be through another source.

I am to the point that I want nothing in my life that does not nourish my mind, my body and my soul. The negative must be eliminated in whatever form it may come.

Yes, Facebook is just one “closet” of my housecleaning, but I am working on many other rooms also. What I watch on television, what I listen to, and the people I allow into my “house” shall be only positive. All of these must feed my spirit, my soul, my mind and my heart. This does not mean that everyone must be happy all the time to be in my life, but the constantly negative, constantly feeding off of me people, those who give nothing back are those who must be kept at a distance or removed all together. It is necessary for my own health.

Dusty cobwebs of regret, doubt, fear, anxiety and all the rest will be swept out and replaced by clean, uplifting, and soothing thoughts, sounds, and sights. Drama will only be found in entertainment form, if I so choose. Hidden toxins can destroy the soul.

All that we expose ourselves to will cling to us in the most insidious form if we are not careful. What may seem innocent and harmless can be like dripping water on a mountainside…It may not seem like much, but it can eventually leave a hole in the hard, strong rock.

Has it taken over five decades to come to all this “wisdom”? No, it has accumulated bit by bit over all these years. Now it is time for me to take action, to work toward the creation of the life I envision for myself, and it starts by cleaning out what doesn’t work.

It’s time to take up my dust rag and broom, open the windows to air out the bad…and begin creating.

What might you want to clean out of your “house”?

I had to ask myself a few questions:

*What am I getting out of this?

*Is it adding to my life, or taking away from it?

*Does it make me feel uplifted or does it just make me sad, tick me off, or steal time?

*Is it filling me or draining me?

These questions do not just apply to Facebook. They can apply to any situation, any habit, any person we allow into our realm, our “home” of self. And yes, I could ask many others, but you get the point. I am going to watch the rest of this travel program on PBS, and then maybe read for a while…or maybe…just nap. I will listen and do whatever my body, my mind, and my soul need tonight.

"Surf Wading"

“Surf Wading”