My Wall of Joy and Christmas Spirit…

I just took an updated photograph of my wall of birthday and Christmas cards.

It’s funny cause I felt kind of “needy” asking folks to send me cards, but I’m so glad that I didn’t let pride stand in my way. This month of rushing to check the mail, and then opening all of these beautiful cards and gifts has made me so happy, and left me feeling blessed. I have not received this many cards in the past decade, never mind in one December!!! I am beyond blessed…I am joyful…I feel the spirit I was searching for, and it’s all because of you.

Forgive me if I don’t than each of you individually, but they have been coming so fast. Just know that each and every one of them is very, very special to me…Thank you…Hugs and much love to ya’ll!

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Excited to check the mail! That’s new!

If you read my last post you know that I asked if folks could send me either a birthday or holiday card.

I get so lonely this time of year and needed to feel some Christmas spirit and not be forgotten on my birthday. Yesterday was kinda sad, it’s was the anniversary of my mother’s passing…so yeah.

So far I have received one Christmas card and one birthday card!! This is so cool. I was like a little kid when I opened the mail today and there was a card from someone I have never met…thank you stranger. Hugs.

This is my tree, and the wall behind it is for the cards I receive…There is only one because I took the photo before today’s card arrived. I will post follow ups as the wall fills up!

Again, thank you so much for caring and for being here for me….Love ya’ll…Kim

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I Got No Gifts for Christmas?? Silly Me…

I knew that Christmas was going to be a bit of challenge for me this year. It has been a roller coaster of emotions.

Last night as I sat here listening to Christmas music and watching the “fireplace” on the television, I suddenly felt sad that I would have no gifts to open when I woke in the morning. Then, I felt the Holy Spirit tap me on the shoulder and whisper to me, “No gifts? Look around loved one”…This previously lost, homeless girl looked around her and was overcome with gratitude. No gifts? Really? I looked around my beautiful new home…the bed and sofa, so lovingly donated, the pictures of family on the walls, the little Christmas tree in the corner. I got up and walked from room to room as the Spirit continued to point out all of the little things that most people would not even notice, and my heart was filled…I needed nothing more. I grabbed my camera and started snapping photos of all the wonderful gifts I had received this year…

I laugh now as I post these photos. “NO gifts” LOL! Silly me. I sat down and ate a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner…

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The Holy Spirit tapped me again…”Remember being hungry”?

Hmm, yeah.

The emotions hit again this morning when I woke up alone. I saw all the posts on my Facebook page…Families gathering to open gifts, sharing meals together…and once again I cried. I missed my kids, my dogs…family. Then my new friend, Jessie was knocking on my door…prefect timing. I had a good cry and a wonderful hug. I spent the day with her and her wonderful husband. We ate, watched Charlie Brown, listened to beautiful Christmas music. We danced, laughed, hugged, took a walk, talked…Again, the Spirit tapped and whispered…”You have friends, you are loved”….Oh my goodness.

I am sitting at my little desk, listening to Christmas music and I KNOW how many, many gifts I have…I know my life is getting better every single day. Yes, there are moments of mourning, but oh how much of a miracle this all is…I AM HOME. I have wonderful new friends in my life, I am fed…I am loved and best of all…I am not homeless.

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This is the Merriest Christmas I have had in years. Thank you Lord!

No Longer Homeless, Yet Still in Limbo…

My gosh…I have wanted to write forever now, but didn’t know what I wanted to say.

As I lie in my bed tonight, the cool, rainy night air caressing my face through the open window, I suddenly knew…I knew how to say what I have been feeling. “Lost” didn’t sound right, but then I thought “Limbo”…yeah, “…transitional, a midway state or place”.

You see, I love that I have a new home. I love that I am safe and fed. I take nothing for granted…it is all a blessing. But, as Christmas approaches, as I still struggle to find a job…a steady income…I find myself adrift. Part of me looks back and realizes that for the past fifteen years…I had someone in my life. Even through the loneliest times in my marriage…there was still someone “there”.  I know that being alone and lonely is far less painful than being lonely with someone…but, it is still hard to adjust. This will be the first Christmas without him…without my dogs, and…though I don’t want my old life back…it’s a strange feeling.

Knowing  that I don’t want what is now behind me, and thankful that the pain is finally lessening…I look ahead, and it is all so open, so empty…it’s awesome and scary at the same time. Does that make sense? Hell, I don’t care…that is the only way I know to say it.

I am mostly happy now…and as I said, so grateful for the way things are going, but I wonder…what will it feel like Christmas morning? My previous family, (him and the dogs), is just a memory. My daughters and grandchildren are 1200 miles away, my son, 3000 miles away, my new friends will all be spending the holidays with their families. My parents, grandparents…all gone. I watch all the Christmas shows alone this year.  I see all the commercials and hate that I am still too poor to buy gifts, and knowing I won’t receive any either. Not really a big deal…I’m not wanting for anything, but it’s the feeling of it all that I long for …I want “normal” I want celebration. I want a family to be with and presents to give…laughter and hugs, a big Holiday dinner…Damn, I knew I would cry if I wrote this down…if I let it out. Oh well, it is what it is.

I got a Christmas tree that someone here was throwing out…the fiber optics only work on part of it, but I like watching the light. I haven’t decorated it, except for one decoration that my granddaughter made. A neighbor gave me some decorations for it, but I’m afraid if I start to put them on…I will remember every single decoration that I left at the house…the ones I forgot in the back room, the ones I had no place for… that I couldn’t take with me when I became homeless.

The blue glass ball that I put my name on when I was eight years old, the little wooden popsicle stick sled my oldest girl made for me when she was just four, the carousel horse that my youngest gave me in 1993, when she was just nine. All the ornaments that he and I collected during our years together…a new one each year. I’ll try not to think of the video we made of our rescue dog’s first Christmas…How do I forget? Where do I put all of this now?

My birthday was on the 13th of this month too. Another day I had to face alone…There is a lot of learning to do here. Learning to be alone. I know it is all getting better, and that every day is a new start. The future is wide open and empty before me…I’m excited about it, and yes, scared too.

Okay…that’s it. That’s what I had to say, what I had to get put down on the page so I can move on. Sharing, writing, crying, storing away….this is how I will heal, a little at a time.

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Starting over can be wonderful…burying the past hurts.

I just had another thought…Maybe it is really just not knowing who I am now. For the first time in my life, I am not caring for someone else. I am no one’s wife, mother, rescuer, daughter…at least not in my daily life. I am learning how to be just “me”…Who am I without all the labels?

Christmas Prayers Please

I need prayers please. My daughters are both at the hospital with their paternal grandmother. It is looking pretty bad. Please pray that if God needs to take her, that she holds on at least one more day. I know that sounds awful, but I don’t want them to lose her on Christmas. I wish I could be there to comfort them now. That woman took me into her family many years ago, and has always made me feel like family, even after her son and I divorced. She is truly the Matriarch of that entire family. Sigh

Time to Relax and Rejoice

I am sitting, listening to Christmas music, hugging my dogs every five minutes. Aren’t dog hugs the best? There is a pot of chili bubbling on the stove, our Christmas Eve and day dinner, so I won’t have any more cooking to do. I will pop the apple pie in the oven later, to be topped with some whipped cream. The oven being on will help to warm the house too! I am going to take my laptop into my room, put a bunch of Christmas DVDs in one after another, lots of blankets for me and the dogs. I will look at my cute little tree, and be so grateful my heart may burst. I will not go to the negative, these thoughts will have no place to stay. I will rejoice at the birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I will dance like no one is watching…except my dogs, and they love when “mommy” dances and sings.

I even bought myself a poinsettia. I’m glad I waited to buy one, they were only $1 today!

The Benefits of Being Poor at Christmas Time

I had to go out earlier to run a couple of errands, hit the atm, gas up the car, and pick up a few things at the quickie mart. Thank goodness I don’t have to be out there much! Wow, it is dangerous! I almost got hit twice just trying to navigate through a parking lot.

With as much as I sometimes envy those who are able to buy presents, and decorate their homes so beautifully at this time of year, I have to admit, I’m glad that poverty gives me the freedom to stay home. I am not rushed. I don’t have a “to do” list, except for the everyday things. I am only concerned with the basic needs of my little family.  I did put up a small little tree in my bedroom, my haven, but I didn’t string lights around the house as I normally would. I thought first about the electric  bill, and that it’s just me and the dogs most of the time now with hubby on the road, and I thought having to take it all down in January. I’m good with my little tree. I can celebrate my Savior’s birth, and focus on the reason for the season.

I can curl up with my pups and watch endless DVDs of Christmas shows, listen to all the holiday music on the radio, and spend the time being grateful for all I have. I have a warm house, enough food, and time to just relax. You can’t buy relaxation, and from what I just witnessed “out there”, I am blessed to have a lack of “extra” funds. I don’t have many “wants”, and the few needs I have will be met as the Lord promises.

So on this warm, rainy, Georgia night, while the world outside goes a little nuts trying to find that special gift, I’m thinking…I have a pretty good deal right here, and that in itself is a gift.

Christmas 2013