eJust got home dollar tree and Walmart. I got some household stuff at dollar tree, trash bags, paper towels etc. Then I went to Walmart to get some food to last until I get my stamps on Monday. I knew I was getting “too much”…I picked up my medication at the pharmacy and went to the register. As she was ringing it all up I began to panic and hold back items….I casually said to the lady behind me…”I hate having to put things back”. “What do you need to put back”? I showed her and she offered to pay for the items. Then I looked at the total already on the register and told the cashier I would still need to take a couple of items off, just so I wouldn’t be broke….The lady behind me looked at the register and said, “Run all of this through with mine. I’ll cover it all”!!!!! I still can’t stop crying!!
Hello all! My desire to write, to let the millions of words and emotions tumble out onto the page is a bit overwhelming. There is so much to tell!
I am safe, happy and content. Wow, just saying that still surprises me. The past months have been beyond hard, and now, well, this is amazing. Starting over. I have had moments of grief over losing so much, but I remain in the present moment more often. There is no room for unhappiness or regret.
My new home is the most peaceful, beautiful place I could have imagined. I have wonderful neighbors, who are quickly becoming friends. This little apartment is so pretty, though still mostly empty lol. I am sleeping on an air mattress, and the only other furniture is a table and chair left by the previous tenant…oh, and a dresser given to me. It is enough.
I wake every day astonished and grateful…I walk around this place and keeping praising God for bringing me HOME.
The job search continues. I did land a job, but only lasted one day…the work being much too physically strenuous for me. No worries, the “right” job is just around the corner. I finally got my food stamps, so hunger is no longer an issue either.
I wish my thoughts were not so jumbled at the moment!
Anyway…I was sitting on the steps of my balcony a while ago, appreciating the deep blue of the sky, the warm breeze…and watching the “train” of butterflies that come through each day. It’s funny how they know where the “highway” is…they come through the same “path” each day, somehow knowing exactly where to go. I envy them this. I can learn from them…moving on instinct, not worrying about a thing..just moving forward. This is me.
I just recently got my camera and all my personal belongings back, and soon, I will post photos of the new place…of my new life.
Again, I must take the time to thank all of you for your amazing support, love and friendship as I went through this trial. I love you.
Praise the Lord!!! I have found a place to go where I will be safe and cared for…I just need a little help to make it these next few days. I won’t get into all of the details yet, but I need only raise enough now for two more nights at the motel (Thursday and Friday). Then, I need money for gas and food…the total to get me from homeless to safe will be about $150 total. I know I have asked and received so much help from all of you already…but, this should be the last time I will need help to get out of this situation. If I can find just 15 people to donate $10 I will be HOME SAFE! WOOOOOOT! Please, if you have already donated this month, just sharing the link for my funding site should help me to reach this final goal…thank you thank you thank you!
I am smiling and breathing for the first time since this nightmare began. I am beyond grateful to God and all of you amazing people in my wordpress family for giving me strength and encouragement through your words and actions…I pray every day that I may be there for you also…to warm your hearts as you have done for me…I love you.
Do a happy dance with me!! ()()()())))))*)))))))
Though I know you will never see this, I must find a way to release all I feel in my heart for you…my sweet dogs.
I don’t know why my feelings of loss and pain for you both come on so strongly at night, maybe it’s because my mind is so focused on trying to survive during the day…though, a moment of the day does not pass without you both in it. I wish there was a way to tell you, to make you understand all that has happened to you. I also wish will all of my heart, that I could have found a way to keep you both with me forever…as I promised you when I brought you home. Mommy’s heart hurts with missing you!
My little Cody…You were so tiny the day we brought you home from the backyard breeders. It was Christmas Eve. You were covered with fleas. They looked so big on your little body. You gave us so many smiles on the ride home and every day since then. Even your stubbornness is something I will always admire. That last day we had together you were such a sweet boy, kissing Mama’s tears away.
Casey Anne…When I saw you that day in the kennel of the adoption van, I had no doubt that you would come and join our family. You were shaking and timid. I don’t blame you, you had such a rough start in life. I still can’t understand how anyone could have treated you that way. I hope that I taught you that there is love in the world, and that not all humans are bad. I showed you that you can trust, and that you can have food and hugs….always.
You and Cody became the best of friends on that first day, even though he was a bit pushy.
You are both such amazing babies, and I can only pray every day that we can be together again. But, you see…I don’t have a home right now, not even for me. I know that God knows my heart, and how much I want to come and get you from that cage in the shelter. Every night I dream of them opening that door, and seeing you both run to me and climb on me as we all cry with joy…oh, how I wish I could hold you both right now…I want you here with me, knowing how much I love you and how much I wish that this had not happened to us all. Life isn’t always fair my dear pups, and I hope I gave you enough love while we had time. Be good puppies okay? If I can’t come to get you, I want you to be loved and cared for by some really good family. Casey…show them how you cover your ears when they say you are cute…and Cody, show them how well you sit, and put your blankie in the kennel…Sit nice and no bity…okay guys?
Mommy loves you so much…I hope somehow you know this, and don’t be sad okay? I’m sad enough for all of us. Be happy dogs…someday soon you will go home, you will be outside again, running free, playing and chasing squirrels. I pray it will be with me, but if it is not…just be happy. I love you so much.
I will love you forever.
Two weeks today since my life as I knew it just disappeared. On one hand it feels like yesterday, but then the physical and mental exhaustion makes it seem like I’ve been “surviving” for a month.
My worst break-downs so far have been when thinking of my poor dogs. You see, I have a human understanding of what is going on, and as bad as the reality is, I know what happened, but when I allow my mind to wander to Cody and Casey, my heart literally aches for them. All they know is that one day they were home and the next they were in a scary, loud, strange place, and that I just left them there. Sigh…I can’t even write about it…I just can’t.
I am sitting here in the motel at almost 4am, and feeling more alone than ever before. Even in the worst parts of my marriage, when he and I sat in different rooms, I knew there was someone there, even the dogs gave me comfort…now, it is just me.
My kids have not called in the two weeks since this happened, and I guess I’m not as surprised as I am hurt. I know I wasn’t a good mother to them, even though I thought I was, but it hurts to think that my well-being doesn’t matter to them. I feel the same about my two brothers and my sister, yes, I have talked to two of them, but I still have no place of refuge, no place of safety to start to rebuild my life. It is just me…alone. I even got desperate enough to call hubby’s phone yesterday, to ask him a computer question…he has blocked me from his phone. Since he left two weeks ago, he has not tried to contact me even once…He doesn’t even know if I am well or safe.
I have to just come to realize that I am on my own, again…still. I have been taking care of myself since I was 10 years old, I guess I should be used to it by now, but there is a part of me, that little girl, that still longs for someone to care for her, to TAKE care of her, to keep her safe.
Right now…I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone to hold me. I saw my friends S & F the other day…the only true friends I have here, and when S gave me a hug I just lost it…I sobbed on her shoulder for a good 5 minutes, the first time I let my “wall” down. I had to put it back up, I have to stay strong. On my own. No hubby, no kids, no family, no dogs…I must take God’s hand and KNOW the He will never leave me nor forsake me.
I am so beyond grateful for all that have helped me…financially, spiritually, and with kind words of caring these past 14 days. I wish there were more words to describe “grateful”. I have raised my fundraising amount, not out of greed, but just for the fact that I have not found a job. I go tomorrow to turn in my housing application and to apply for food stamps, and will spend the rest of the day trying to put in job applications. The internet here stinks…I was halfway through a job assessment yesterday when it went down. I may have to go the library to complete most of them. Just another challenge.
I wish at this point that I could end this post on an upbeat, “I’m going to make it” note, but alas, I’m not right there at the moment. I keep repeating my mantra…”I’ll be okay”. It is very sad and shocking to realize that after 53 years on this Earth…I belong nowhere.
I need to stop scrolling through my photographs…I never realized how may photos I took of my two pups…My heart actually hurts.
As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my Friend
But instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
“How can You be so slow?”
“My child, ” He said, “what could I do?’
You never let them go.”
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
Luke 2: 8-14
I had to go out earlier to run a couple of errands, hit the atm, gas up the car, and pick up a few things at the quickie mart. Thank goodness I don’t have to be out there much! Wow, it is dangerous! I almost got hit twice just trying to navigate through a parking lot.
With as much as I sometimes envy those who are able to buy presents, and decorate their homes so beautifully at this time of year, I have to admit, I’m glad that poverty gives me the freedom to stay home. I am not rushed. I don’t have a “to do” list, except for the everyday things. I am only concerned with the basic needs of my little family. I did put up a small little tree in my bedroom, my haven, but I didn’t string lights around the house as I normally would. I thought first about the electric bill, and that it’s just me and the dogs most of the time now with hubby on the road, and I thought having to take it all down in January. I’m good with my little tree. I can celebrate my Savior’s birth, and focus on the reason for the season.
I can curl up with my pups and watch endless DVDs of Christmas shows, listen to all the holiday music on the radio, and spend the time being grateful for all I have. I have a warm house, enough food, and time to just relax. You can’t buy relaxation, and from what I just witnessed “out there”, I am blessed to have a lack of “extra” funds. I don’t have many “wants”, and the few needs I have will be met as the Lord promises.
So on this warm, rainy, Georgia night, while the world outside goes a little nuts trying to find that special gift, I’m thinking…I have a pretty good deal right here, and that in itself is a gift.
I want to thank all who have prayed for my best friend. She is doing better today, and may be released as soon as tomorrow! Thank you dear Lord for answering our prayers, please heal her completely Father. I know you will. Amen.
I am truly grateful that I have my friends here on WP, and that I feel I have someone to turn to when these things happen in my life. I am truly grateful for each and every one of you….Hugs, hugs, hugs!