The days run one into another, each the same. My belly growls, not so much from not eating as it is from eating just enough…enough to make the money last, save the last bit of food. People get so uncomfortable with money talk, but when you are wondering how to make it last one more week, it fills your mind. Funny, I hate math. I have never been really good with numbers, but I have to do math constantly now.
I sleep well at night lately, with the help of some over-the-counter sleep med, but I am still just tired to my very core. This is not a good way to live. I spend my days telling myself it will be okay, trust God, He has this. I try not to worry, just keep trusting, believing. It IS okay…for today, forget about tomorrow.
I tell myself to get out of the house, go to the beach, take my camera…forget for a while, change the channel. But, then I have to remind myself not to use the gas in the car, so I stay here. I need to get in the shower, but it feels like a monumental effort…”I will today”, I say again. Run through the bible verses in my head, those on trust, belief, money, love, comfort. They help.
I don’t talk much to others…no one wants to hear about your troubles, especially financial ones. I have nothing else to talk about. Poverty makes you lonely…isolates you. Those who are unable to help feel even worse after talking to you, and those who would be able to help think you are begging if you speak to them, so you speak to no one. You don’t want people to apologize.
There are so many thoughts, so many things you want to say, but don’t. You don’t want people to know how you really feel, the thoughts that might offend or make people pity you. Just go on…watch another movie, let it take you to a life you wish you had. Make believe. Keep praying, keep trusting. Stop worrying how to make $70 last until next Saturday. Tuck the bills away, don’t look at them. Hubby leaves on Tues. You need to give him some money to take with him…he has to eat too right? Blah…
Constantly reminding myself of those worse off than I am, those who have nothing to eat, NO money, and no hope. I am better off, but comparison is little comfort. Bless me Lord so that I may be a blessing.