There is no Christmas spirit here…

This time of year is always a bit rough for me.

I lost both my mother and my father in December.

My birthday is coming up and I haven’t had a birthday celebration of any kind since I was ten years old. No one has bothered.

On top of all the facts, my depression has kicked into full gear. The “I feel invisible” kind of depression. The kind of depression that makes it hard to breathe, to speak…to do anything…Am I even here?

I miss my parents, my kids and my grandchildren so badly.

I want lights and decorations and a tree…I want to be able to shop for my grands..to send presents. Better yet, I want us all to be together. I want it to matter to them that I can’t be there…I’m not sure that it does.

I want to put up my little tree, put on some Christmas music and force the feeling to come…but I don’t think that it will.

So, I am going to make a rather odd request. A request that will sound strange maybe…but, I don’t care. I’m wondering if ya’ll would be willing to send me a Christmas card?

I know that I sound so pathetic right now..but, I just want SOMEONE to wish me a Merry Christmas (Happy Holidays)…I need encouragement so much right now. I am even going to post my address on here…because honestly? What does it matter if half the world knows where I live???

Kim Hood

3901 Darien Hwy Apt D31

Brunswick, Ga. 31525

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I Got No Gifts for Christmas?? Silly Me…

I knew that Christmas was going to be a bit of challenge for me this year. It has been a roller coaster of emotions.

Last night as I sat here listening to Christmas music and watching the “fireplace” on the television, I suddenly felt sad that I would have no gifts to open when I woke in the morning. Then, I felt the Holy Spirit tap me on the shoulder and whisper to me, “No gifts? Look around loved one”…This previously lost, homeless girl looked around her and was overcome with gratitude. No gifts? Really? I looked around my beautiful new home…the bed and sofa, so lovingly donated, the pictures of family on the walls, the little Christmas tree in the corner. I got up and walked from room to room as the Spirit continued to point out all of the little things that most people would not even notice, and my heart was filled…I needed nothing more. I grabbed my camera and started snapping photos of all the wonderful gifts I had received this year…

I laugh now as I post these photos. “NO gifts” LOL! Silly me. I sat down and ate a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner…

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The Holy Spirit tapped me again…”Remember being hungry”?

Hmm, yeah.

The emotions hit again this morning when I woke up alone. I saw all the posts on my Facebook page…Families gathering to open gifts, sharing meals together…and once again I cried. I missed my kids, my dogs…family. Then my new friend, Jessie was knocking on my door…prefect timing. I had a good cry and a wonderful hug. I spent the day with her and her wonderful husband. We ate, watched Charlie Brown, listened to beautiful Christmas music. We danced, laughed, hugged, took a walk, talked…Again, the Spirit tapped and whispered…”You have friends, you are loved”….Oh my goodness.

I am sitting at my little desk, listening to Christmas music and I KNOW how many, many gifts I have…I know my life is getting better every single day. Yes, there are moments of mourning, but oh how much of a miracle this all is…I AM HOME. I have wonderful new friends in my life, I am fed…I am loved and best of all…I am not homeless.

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This is the Merriest Christmas I have had in years. Thank you Lord!

No Longer Homeless, Yet Still in Limbo…

My gosh…I have wanted to write forever now, but didn’t know what I wanted to say.

As I lie in my bed tonight, the cool, rainy night air caressing my face through the open window, I suddenly knew…I knew how to say what I have been feeling. “Lost” didn’t sound right, but then I thought “Limbo”…yeah, “…transitional, a midway state or place”.

You see, I love that I have a new home. I love that I am safe and fed. I take nothing for granted…it is all a blessing. But, as Christmas approaches, as I still struggle to find a job…a steady income…I find myself adrift. Part of me looks back and realizes that for the past fifteen years…I had someone in my life. Even through the loneliest times in my marriage…there was still someone “there”.  I know that being alone and lonely is far less painful than being lonely with someone…but, it is still hard to adjust. This will be the first Christmas without him…without my dogs, and…though I don’t want my old life back…it’s a strange feeling.

Knowing  that I don’t want what is now behind me, and thankful that the pain is finally lessening…I look ahead, and it is all so open, so empty…it’s awesome and scary at the same time. Does that make sense? Hell, I don’t care…that is the only way I know to say it.

I am mostly happy now…and as I said, so grateful for the way things are going, but I wonder…what will it feel like Christmas morning? My previous family, (him and the dogs), is just a memory. My daughters and grandchildren are 1200 miles away, my son, 3000 miles away, my new friends will all be spending the holidays with their families. My parents, grandparents…all gone. I watch all the Christmas shows alone this year.  I see all the commercials and hate that I am still too poor to buy gifts, and knowing I won’t receive any either. Not really a big deal…I’m not wanting for anything, but it’s the feeling of it all that I long for …I want “normal” I want celebration. I want a family to be with and presents to give…laughter and hugs, a big Holiday dinner…Damn, I knew I would cry if I wrote this down…if I let it out. Oh well, it is what it is.

I got a Christmas tree that someone here was throwing out…the fiber optics only work on part of it, but I like watching the light. I haven’t decorated it, except for one decoration that my granddaughter made. A neighbor gave me some decorations for it, but I’m afraid if I start to put them on…I will remember every single decoration that I left at the house…the ones I forgot in the back room, the ones I had no place for… that I couldn’t take with me when I became homeless.

The blue glass ball that I put my name on when I was eight years old, the little wooden popsicle stick sled my oldest girl made for me when she was just four, the carousel horse that my youngest gave me in 1993, when she was just nine. All the ornaments that he and I collected during our years together…a new one each year. I’ll try not to think of the video we made of our rescue dog’s first Christmas…How do I forget? Where do I put all of this now?

My birthday was on the 13th of this month too. Another day I had to face alone…There is a lot of learning to do here. Learning to be alone. I know it is all getting better, and that every day is a new start. The future is wide open and empty before me…I’m excited about it, and yes, scared too.

Okay…that’s it. That’s what I had to say, what I had to get put down on the page so I can move on. Sharing, writing, crying, storing away….this is how I will heal, a little at a time.

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Starting over can be wonderful…burying the past hurts.

I just had another thought…Maybe it is really just not knowing who I am now. For the first time in my life, I am not caring for someone else. I am no one’s wife, mother, rescuer, daughter…at least not in my daily life. I am learning how to be just “me”…Who am I without all the labels?

Let’s Be The Miracle…Please Help My Friends

I have so much to be thankful for this year, and I plan on a “thankful” post soon. Today however, my heart is set on helping someone who is in great need. Jessie and Jose are two of the many new friends I have made this year. I am so blessed to know them…but, they are struggling. I have asked and received so much from all of you during my struggles this year…and I am eternally grateful. I am asking now that we help Jose to get the surgery he so desperately needs. One person can’t do much, but as you have shown me, many people doing just a little makes a huge difference. Please look into your hearts this season and let’s be the miracle for this dear friend. Donate and share this link…you won’t be sorry…because when you help others…YOU are so blessed. Love, hugs, and Peace..Kim

http://www.gofundme.com/hl68kw

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I Try Not to Think of All I’ve Lost…

I am so grateful for where I am in my life now. However, it’s only been three months since I lost the life I’d known for so long. The marriage had to end, this I know. Neither of us had been happy for so long. There wasn’t much left to grieve there…except for what might have been.
It’s the days and moments when my mind remembers an object I forgot in my haste before the eviction…the books, the trinkets, the Christmas ornament I made when I was 8 years old that make it difficult. There isn’t very much pain in these thoughts, they are just things, and…I am healing.

The one area I can’t seem to get past is the loss of my dogs…Yes, Cody was rescued from the shelter and is now with my ex…not my ideal situation, but at least I know he is loved and cared for by someone he knows.

I try desperately not to think of my dear Casey girl, but there isn’t a day when I don’t grieve, when I don’t pass her photo on Facebook or here, and my chest gets tight, the tears well up…and oh my gosh, the pain is horrible. I am glad that she is no longer in danger of being put down, and that the Humane Society is a better facility than the county shelter…but…I want her HERE with me! I want her to be held, and pet, and played with. I want to feel her lick my face. I dream often of walking the aisle of the shelter, calling her name and hearing her sweet bark of joy to know that “mommy” has come back to get her. I can’t describe the pain…and God knows I have tried to NOT look at her photos, NOT go to the Humane Society page once more to see if she’s been adopted, but it’s like a bad bruise, this pain. You know it will hurt, you know it will crush you, but you push on it anyway. This heartache….it has not gotten any easier…it is not any lighter. She deserves to have a home…just like I do now. How long will I grieve this loss? How long will it take for me to finally give up hope of ever having her with me again? I don’t know. It feels like it will never stop.

I pray she is at least happy…well fed…and maybe, if dogs think this way…I pray she hasn’t given up hope either. Shit. And the tears fall.

So Healthy now!

My New Home on the Butterfly Highway…

Hello all! My desire to write, to let the millions of words and emotions tumble out onto the page is a bit overwhelming. There is so much to tell!

I am safe, happy and content. Wow, just saying that still surprises me. The past months have been beyond hard, and now, well, this is amazing. Starting over. I have had moments of grief over losing so much, but I remain in the present moment more often. There is no room for unhappiness or regret.

My new home is the most peaceful, beautiful place I could have imagined. I have wonderful neighbors, who are quickly becoming friends. This little apartment is so pretty, though still mostly empty lol. I am sleeping on an air mattress, and the only other furniture is a table and chair left by the previous tenant…oh, and a dresser given to me. It is enough.

I wake every day astonished and grateful…I walk around this place and keeping praising God for bringing me HOME.

The job search continues. I did land a job, but only lasted one day…the work being much too physically strenuous for me. No worries, the “right” job is just around the corner. I finally got my food stamps, so hunger is no longer an issue either.

I wish my thoughts were not so jumbled at the moment!

Anyway…I was sitting on the steps of my balcony a while ago, appreciating the deep blue of the sky, the warm breeze…and watching the “train” of butterflies that come through each day. It’s funny how they know where the “highway” is…they come through the same “path” each day, somehow knowing exactly where to go. I envy them this. I can learn from them…moving on instinct, not worrying about a thing..just moving forward. This is me.

I just recently got my camera and all my personal belongings back, and soon, I will post photos of the new place…of my new life.

Again, I must take the time to thank all of you for your amazing support, love and friendship as I went through this trial. I love you.

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Homeless Day 16…A Love Letter to My Dogs…

Though I know you will never see this, I must find a way to release all I feel in my heart for you…my sweet dogs.

I don’t know why my feelings of loss and pain for you both come on so strongly at night, maybe it’s because my mind is so focused on trying to survive during the day…though, a moment of the day does not pass without you both in it. I wish there was a way to tell you, to make you understand all that has happened to you. I also wish will all of my heart, that I could have found a way to keep you both with me forever…as I promised you when I brought you home. Mommy’s heart hurts with missing you!

My little Cody…You were so tiny the day we brought you home from the backyard breeders.  It was Christmas Eve. You were covered with fleas. They looked so big on your little body. You gave us so many smiles on the ride home and every day since then. Even your stubbornness is something I will always admire. That last day we had together you were such a sweet boy, kissing Mama’s tears away.

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Casey Anne…When I saw you that day in the kennel of the adoption van, I had no doubt that you would come and join our family. You were shaking and timid. I don’t blame you, you had such a rough start in life. I still can’t understand how anyone could have treated you that way. I hope that I taught you that there is love in the world, and that not all humans are bad. I showed you that you can trust, and that you can have food and hugs….always.

Day One in her new home!

Day One in her new home!

You and Cody became the best of friends on that first day, even though he was a bit pushy.

Cody's new friend Casey!

Cody’s new friend Casey!

You are both such amazing babies, and I can only pray every day that we can be together again. But, you see…I don’t have a home right now, not even for me. I know that God knows my heart, and how much I want to come and get you from that cage in the shelter. Every night I dream of them opening that door, and seeing you both run to me and climb on me as we all cry with joy…oh, how I wish I could hold you both right now…I want you here with me, knowing how much I love you and how much I wish that this had not happened to us all. Life isn’t always fair my dear pups, and I hope I gave you enough love while we had time. Be good puppies okay? If I can’t come to get you, I want you to be loved and cared for by some really good family. Casey…show them how you cover your ears when they say you are cute…and Cody, show them how well you sit, and put your blankie in the kennel…Sit nice and no bity…okay guys?

Mommy loves you so much…I hope somehow you know this, and don’t be sad okay? I’m sad enough for all of us. Be happy dogs…someday soon you will go home, you will be outside again, running free, playing and chasing squirrels. I pray it will be with me, but if it is not…just be happy. I love you so much.

"I love them"

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I AM SO SORRY!

I will love you forever.

Fourth Day of Homeless…

The past few days have gone by in a blur…He left, I took the dogs to the shelter, and here I am. I have a motel room for two weeks and then…well, who knows. I am hoping to find work. I try not to worry, try not to think about my poor pups. Sleep has been a priority. I’ve never been so tired in my whole life. For now I am safe, have a roof and food. I miss my family today. Most folks think of family more at Christmas or other holidays, but the fourth always makes me think of my brothers and my sister…recalling the wonderful times when we all gathered together to celebrate the fourth of July. I’m going to try and get downtown tonight to watch the fireworks. I love this town on the fourth…so many friendly folks just having fun, eating watermelon, and then watching the fireworks over the waterfront. I need to get out of this room. Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am still trying to raise funds to get on my feet. If you are able to donate or share the link to the donation site, it will be much appreciated. The link is on my page..thanks.

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Please Help a Stranger and Her Dogs…

I found this cry for help on my facebook. She is a woman who has rescued dogs and now may lose them by becoming homeless. I don’t know her personally, but does that matter? She is a human with a heart and needs some help. Even if you are unable to donate, please share her plight! Thanks

(The photo is of my two rescues, Cody and Casey)

http://www.gofundme.com/helpmekeepmydogs

"I love them"

And Blessed We Are…Thank You!

Thank you to all who have fought, died, and served this great country, so that we could have the freedom to enjoy this day!

 

Thank you Lord for all you have given us, for loving us beyond what any of us could imagine.

Thank you Dad…I miss you so much!

Dad in Korea

And we are so grateful that on this day 3 years ago we found our Casey girl. She was just a little starved and scared dog, so abused and pitiful. Today she is happy, healthy and loved more than I can say. Happy “birthday” Casey Anne Wigglebottom!

God Bless America! Grilled some steaks, some fresh asparagus and portabella mushroom caps, and baked potatoes…what a fantastic meal!

"Old Glory"

“Old Glory”