Tag Archives: Trees

Jun 5 2016

Broke, In Pain, and Trying Not to Give in to Giving up….

I am so discouraged today.

I have been having some abdominal pain for like 4 months now. The doctor found blood in my urine with no UTI, so he thought it might be cancer. I went back to the doc on Wed. No blood in urine, but a bacterial infection in my vagina. I am now on antibiotics for that, and I still need to bring in a stool sample to check out my colon health.

Of course, a colonoscopy is what the doc says I really need, but as I am seeing him at the “free” clinic, there is only so much he can do for me with the available resources.

In the meantime, I am broke as always. My food stamps are gone until the 15th. I have food in the house, but am out of some things…Pepsi, bread, cigs etc. Now, the med the doc put me on is causing severe diarrhea and I don’t even have feminine pads to help protect my undergarments, so I just got done cutting up the dog’s wee wee pads to use.

I can’t go panhandling. It has been either deathly hot out or storming. Plus I physically feel like shit.

There is no way to even tell you how exhausted I am of this life. This struggle. This waiting for things to get better. I want to sleep forever. Thank goodness I have tranquilizers…at least I can sleep and dream, and not deal with this shit.

So tired.

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Mar 5 2014

Creating Your Reality

We often hear that fear is the opposite of faith, and I believe that is true. You cannot have faith and fear in the same moment. Beyond that simple statement is the fact that we can choose what we want to bring about in our lives by choosing our thoughts.

I relate so well to the biblical account of Job, a man blessed with so much and yet, living in constant fear of losing it. There is much to be learned in reading of our dear friend Job, but the verse that is on my mind today is Job 3:25 “For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.”

Is it possible that Job’s focus and attention brought his fears to fruition? I think so. Whether you are looking at this from a religious standpoint or a scientific one doesn’t matter, they are not at odds really. It is all about perception. I won’t get into all of the scientific or religious aspects of belief. I would rather keep it simple.

What we choose to give our energy to will become our reality. We are co-creators of our lives. If we focus on hate, we bring hate into our lives, focus on love and we bring love, it is that simple. Job’s mind was consumed with fear of loss, and he lost it all. 

On days like today, when my mind is tempted to give attention to all of my fears and the “what ifs” of life, it is not easy. I will need to shift my focus and my thoughts from fear to faith, knowing I will create the outcome. Think it into creation, speak it into reality. I will refuse to give in to fearful thoughts. I will create my reality. I will dream of what is becoming real. 

Jan 12 2014

Sunday…After the Storm Photographs

Yes, we survived the nasty storms yesterday. No tornadoes dropped by here, though some areas nearby got some pretty hefty winds. Today we are back to our normal January weather…sunny, clear blue skies and 63 degrees. Much better. I have not moved far beyond my desk yet, but that is okay too. My life, my pace. I am hoping to get out with my camera later, but whether the motivation is strong enough for that remains to be seen. In the meantime, while I sip my tea and stretch these tired old muscles..here are a couple of backyard photos. Enjoy your Sunday!