Five years later…Where I am today

So, a little catch up since I quit writing so far back.

Those of you who followed me through my homelessness know most of the story. Those of you who are new and want to read any of my journey may check my archives beginning in July of 2014.

Anyway…I got my first apartment through a federal program in August of 2014. Since that time they have moved me to another apartment complex.

At first I was upset because I loved my other apartment so much, but I’ve grown to love this one just as much, if not more. I am living closer to the marshes now (right across the street), so I can smell the salty ocean almost every day. Sigh…

When I first moved into this place three years ago, I still had no income. I had a place to live (thank God), and food stamps, but no cash coming in. I was having to panhandle to provide the basic necessities of life,and also depended on the kindness of friends and family. I had tried going to work, but the stress from being homeless had made my mental health issues worse. My anxiety attacks were almost constant, even with meds. My therapist said this was to be expected after the trauma I had suffered.

Anyway, I applied for SSI, which is a form of disability for those of us who never worked enough, (I was a homemaker most of my life), to earn points toward SSD. I got a good lawyer and began the process. I literally survived for three years with NO income. A pure miracle if you ask me…or a million little miracles.

Well, by the grace of God, I got approved at my very first hearing. My lawyer was shocked. He had told me from the beginning that I had the toughest judge in our county. I also received a good amount of back pay, another thing my lawyer said this judge never does!

I got approved in December of 2017. The monthly amount is small, but with my housing I have managed to not have to panhandle anymore.

The best part? I used the back pay to buy a new bed that December. I had never had a brand new bed in my life (58 years)!…Until this point everything I had was donated…Yes, I was grateful to have it, but you have to understand it was hard to feel like this was MY home when everything I had was someone else’s first. Here is the photo of my very own bed….I also bought all new sheets, and the awesome quilt from Cracker Barrel. (I’d wanted one for so long)!

Then, when I got my last back payment this past December (2018), I bought all new furniture for my living room…not used, not rented…MINE! The drop leaf table is actually an antique that I found downtown here for $65 and only found out it was worth a bit more later on…

I only recently added the artwork and pillows to the sofa…and the matching lamps. 🙂

And, I had one of my photos enlarged, placed it behind an old window frame I found at a yard sale, and created a “window” for over my kitchen sink.

So, there is my new home…my favorite piece is the “fireplace”. But, the absolute best part of it all? I finally feel at home. For the longest time I was even afraid to hang pictures or do anything because I could not shake the fear of it happening again…losing it all and having no place to go.

I’m getting better…feeling safer day by day. And…I am truly happy.

All good intentions…Until life steps in

I am so excited to be back on my here. I’m so blessed to be hearing from old friends and making new ones.

I truly planned on posting daily…you know, getting back into the whole writing groove.

Then life stepped in…

Two nights ago my phone rang at 1am…never a good thing. It was one of my neighbors informing me that he dinged my car backing into his space. I went down to check the damage, basically a few paint chips and scrapes.

Then, when I woke yesterday I realized that I had an invasion of grain weevils in my pantry and cabinets in my kitchen! EEEEW….So, I spent all day cleaning out the pantry and cupboards, vacuuming, wiping down and spraying clove oil…hopefully that will be the end of it.

Needless to say, all of the stress has wore me out….took a nap this afternoon and now, can’t sleep, but my mind is too muddled to think of anything worthy of posting.

Sorry guys…all you get is this “journal” entry.

To soften the blow to my “I will post every day” ego…here is one of my recent photos.

I need to get back….

Hey  y’all…if anyone is still following me!

This past year has been filled with so much. I’ve been dealing with some health issues, but there have also been some really good things happening too. I am feeling the need to write so much lately and the only thing stopping me has been my own laziness.

I truly hope that I still have a few followers and will build a few more as I plug along.

I pray that all of you are doing well and that we can get reacquainted over time.

Yes, I’m still alive…..

Hey everyone!

Gosh, it’s been so long and there is much to catch up on.

Unfortunately, I need to get back into writing mode. Things are getting better for me…little by little. I am so grateful to have “made it” out of the dark and back to the light. Until I have a better idea of what I want to write…here are a few of my recent photos….Love and hugs, Kim

Goodnight Moon….

Woodpecker….and Springtime

This gallery contains 2 photos.

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Playing with My New Camera…So Much Fun!

Not sure if I mentioned that my sweetheart bought me a new camera! He noticed that for the past year or so I have not been doing much in the creative realm, and wanted to inspire me. It really did!

This camera is much more intricate than my little Canon that I have been using for years. Although, I loved the photos it took, I always shot on “auto”. Now, I am learning how to shoot manual and reading about the basics of photography. I’m really excited about something for the first time in a while..(well, besides him of course lol).

These are the first two photos I have ever shot in manual, and I am loving learning more every day. Heck, I’ve had to spend a lot of time just reading the manual that came with my camera bundle and my Dslr book for Dummies. I love that I am learning something new.

Juvenile Cardinal

Bird Song

Why Lying is So Easy Sometimes….Even When You Hate It

I truly detest lying. Not only am I really lousy at it (I have the opposite of a poker face), I am just a person who believes so strongly in integrity and honesty.

However, I lie a LOT lately.  When you suffer from a mental illness of any kind lying becomes habit. “I’m fine” comes out of your mouth constantly. Someone asks how you are and you smile and just say, “I’m fine, thanks”! You smile constantly when inside your mind you are screaming.

Why do we lie? Many reasons really. 

We don’t want to worry you. We don’t want people to think we are “crazy”. We don’t want to sound like we are just complaining or seeking attention. We don’t want you to stand there not knowing what to say. 

The worse part of sharing your mental illness with someone who is NOT mentally ill are when they reply with things like, “I know how you feel”, or worse, say things like, “Just think positive”, “You dwell too much on negative stuff”. 

Trying to explain “why” I feel the way I do when I am depressed, anxious or lately tortured by my ED is impossible.

I don’t even truly know why my eating disorder has recurred. That’s what the professionals are for…I want to know as much as anyone else why I am doing this to myself when for once in my life all feels right in my world.

This is the reason so many people with eating disorders hide it. It makes no sense to us or to anyone else and hearing the platitudes (even when said with good intentions), just makes us want to hide our disease even more. No one understands. So, I lie. 

I was talking to my SO about it last night because I have been trying so hard to figure out why now. I did come up with some fairly reasonable thoughts. Maybe with things going so well in my life I am just scared of being happy. Eh, maybe.

What really made sense to me was pointed out by one of my friends who also suffers from an ED.

Right now, even though my life is going well, it is all out of my control really.

My housing is based on my being in therapy, and following all the rules of housing. I never know when they might decide I have been here “too long” and need to leave, or if I slip up and then what? They are in charge of me having a place to live.

I am still waiting for approval for my SSI, so I have no income. The decision of whether I will have an income at some point is in THEIR hands. They need to decide if I am “sick enough”.  That’s another topic all together…Trying to prove how bad an invisible illness is.

Then there is my sweet, caring man who helps me with everything that Food stamps don’t pay for; Car insurance, cable, internet, toilet paper, shampoo, etc. etc. I was having to panhandle for all these things before. What if he decides that all of my “issues” are too much for him and just breaks it off with me? Where will I be then??

Broke and brokenhearted.

Anyway, when I was pointing all of this out to him last night on the phone he made the comment that “everyone” worries about those things. “Losing an income” etc. I told him “Yes, but most of them don’t suffer from a mental illness” My anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, ED, makes all of these worries a million times “bigger” than they are for the person who is not ill. His comment made me feel like he was minimizing my illness…comparing it to himself and others. So not cool. 

So, now I don’t want to talk to him or anyone about these things going on in my head.

So, I’ll just lie and say….”I’m fine”.

A Little Bit of Catching Up…Procrastinating Done

Since I have been MIA for so long I am going to try to catch ya’ll up a bit.

I mentioned that I am in a loving relationship with an amazing man.

I could probably write a hundred ways that this relationship is different from any other I have had, but I won’t bore ya’ll that way. I will share one recent experience that will show the level of care and understanding I receive from this sweet guy.

Since Darrell and I met two years ago we have dated on and off. Off only because I was not really ready to begin anything serious, but we remained friends all along. Our feelings for each other continue to grow and we are closer than ever.

Anyway, I have been honest with him about my mental health issues since day one, my anxiety disorder, my depression and PTSD, OCD…you name it. (It’s like alphabet soup, right?)

About a month my eating disorder reared its ugly head for the first time in years. Being in recovery from anorexia is like a hibernating bear….asleep, but not dead. Well, someone poked it with a stick and it has come back mean as ever.

I was terrified to tell Darrell about it. For one, he knows enough about my mental health, and two, eating disorders are a very secret thing. Telling is not something that is easy to do, not even in therapy.

We were on the phone the other night when I started to tell him…then, well, I just couldn’t stop. I shared all the scary, nasty, nonsensical, crazy, illogical reality I have dealt with for the past few weeks.

I told him how it started with just wanting to lose some weight before Summer. I explained how it is with eating disorders, how it is so easy to cross the line from dieting to starving.

I thought for sure that this would be the last straw. That NOW he would go running. He didn’t.

Instead he called me from work later and told me how he was going online to find out more about anorexia. He said he didn’t understand it, but wanted to help me.

Even later that night, while he was still at work, he called again. He suggested I try to get back into some of the things I used to love…like my photography.

I was so touched and in awe of this man for thinking of me so much in the middle of his busy shift at work. I know that might sound strange, but any of you that know me know that I have never experienced what it’s like to be truly cared for…not like this. I couldn’t fathom that he had me on his mind that much and while at work, trying to figure out what to do for me.

The next day he took me to Walmart and let me pick out a really fantastic new camera!

Even though this gesture did not silence ED (eating disorder), it did give me something else to focus on (no pun intended) for the past few days. This camera is so intricate and has so many functions that I have actually only studied the manual, and some lessons online so far lol.

I am hoping to actually start taking photos with it today or tomorrow. I have not had much sleep, so probably tomorrow.

Thanks for listening to all of this rambling. I am so incredibly blessed by him…he warms my soul.

Beautiful live oak

The Prodigal Writer Returns….I Hope.

Once again, I am sorry to all of my friends, followers and anyone else who is interested in this life of mine.

It has been such a struggle these past few years. I guess sometimes it’s easier to write about things when they are going badly than when things are well.

I am doing well. I am in a relationship with an awesome and caring man, though I’m still a bit skittish about it getting so serious. But, I know he cares so deeply for me…a type of caring that I have never experienced in my life. So, I’m just going with the flow for now…no rush.

I don’t really want to talk about my mental health struggles tonight, so this post will be a photographic “story” of me and my sweetheart’s Valentine’s Day weekend away. It was amazing to be in such a beautiful place with someone I adore. I was also allowed to bring my dog, Penny Lane, with us, so that made it all the more special.

Pool/patio area

Lobby

Our Suite w/balcony

View from the air..

Boardwalk to beach

Through the woods..

Beautiful live oak

And out to the beach..

Gull taking off…

Wind swept dunes..

Miss Penny Lane

Fire Pit on the patio